Long wait between posts

Sorry everyone, I've been...err...busy?  Okay, maybe I've been lazy, or maybe I've just needed a break.  We took a long overdue vacation in March.  We took the kids to Southern California.  No, it wasn't Hawaii but we felt so guilty about leaving them.  They've had a tough year as well.  We stayed at the Newport Coast Villas by Marriott.  It was, by far, the very best hotel experience that we have ever had.  If you ever have the chance to go there, make sure you take advantage of the opportunity.

We also took the kids to Disneyland.  I realized quickly that my stamina is still not where it needs to be.  I think I made it 8 hours on one day but usually only lasted for 6 hours.  The good news is that we had a 6 day pass to Disneyland so the kids didn't complain about leaving early every day.  So much fun to spend that time with family.  We love Disneyland and I'm glad we have made it a favorite destination...but Michelle and I still deserve Hawaii.  :)

I think I mentioned this before but we were very concerned about Dr. Legant.  She switched Medical Networks.  She is now part of the Huntsman Cancer Institute working out of the UofU medical facility in Daybreak.  My insurance company doesn't cover that network.  I did a lot of legwork and found out that I can still see her and pay out of pocket for her visits and she can send me to IHC for scans and labs.  That made me feel so much better.  When you have a Doctor that you trust and that knows your entire history, you don't want to change.  I know there are many other good Oncologists, but I trust her.

I'm hoping for another scan later this month.  I think she wanted to wait 6 months but I want a second clean scan.  That will make me feel even better.

The vegetarian diet is still in effect.  I feel very good about it.  It can be hard at times but for the most part, I don't notice.  In fact, the other day, a team was having a pot luck lunch.  I walked over to talk to a co-worker and I had to leave quickly because the smell of beef was so terrible to me.  No offense to my carnivorous friends out there, my nose has become very sensitive to beef.  I am sorry to report that I'm not losing weight but that will come if I start exercising.  I tried to run with the young men the other day and I made it about 3 blocks and had to walk (what a wimp!).

I know this post doesn't make up for the month and a half that I haven't blogged but I'll try to be more consistent going forward.  

This one's for NED...

Who is Ned and why is this one for him? I'm committed! By writing this down, I'm committed. NED = No Evidence of Disease. Best thing a cancer survivor can hear. I recently read that some people do some crazy rituals when they receive their NED news. Me...well, I guess this is crazy too. I decided that I wanted to do something for myself. I'm going to run a half marathon on June 23rd. Many of you know me and know that I'm not in great physical shape but I'm going to do it. I may have to walk some but I have to do it! If anyone is interested in joining me, it is the AF canyon half marathon. Proceeds benefit cancer patients that are in need of treatments but can't afford them. I was very fortunate to have great insurance during my fight, I can't imagine facing that challenge without insurance or a way to pay for the treatments.

NED may equal crazy old man trying to run a half marathon, but it might also mean another fighter beats cancer after receiving the treatments that he/she needs.

Miracles

In my brief time on this earth, I've witnessed many miracles. Some may consider these very fortunate events, but in my mind, they are miracles.

1. My Mom agreed to marry my Dad. Okay, this isn't a miracle but we used to tell my Dad that we chose Mom and she chose him. I love you Mom and Dad.

2. My Dad joined the military during the Vietnam War. He felt certain he would be drafted and so he joined. Everyone filled out a wish list of where they would like to go. While most people listed Hawaii, the Caribbean, and other tourist destinations, my Dad chose Japan as he went on his mission to Japan. Well, everyone in his unit went to Vietnam, except for one. Yep, you guessed it, my Dad was selected to go to Japan. They had a need and he spoke Japanese...Miracle!

3. When I was a toddler, I ran my toy motorcycle over a cliff. I'm sure I was hurt but I missed all of the jagged rocks and was relatively fine...Miracle!

4. When I was about 14, I got a piece of steak lodged in my throat. I couldn't breathe. I was fortunate that my Dad knew the Heimlich Maneuver. He performed it on me and it became dislodged. Maybe not a miracle but very glad my Dad knew what he was doing. Oh heck...it was a Miracle!

5. Graduation night in 1987, yes I'm old, my friend bought a new scooter. He brought it over to show me. I took it for a spin while my girlfriend, Michelle, watched. I started to show off and lost control of the scooter. I crashed and landed in between my neighbors decorative rocks in their park strip. Spent much of the night at the emergency room and got stitches in my head but fully recovered. Miracle!

6. Survived Bangkok traffic on my mission (I had to drive in it for about a year)...Miracle!

7. Had a dream about Michelle on my mission. I dreamt that she got divorced and we had another shot. She was married at the time. I felt terrible. It ended up coming to fruition...probably the biggest Miracle in my life.

8. The birth of each one of our kids. I mean, come on, how can you witness childbirth and not believe in miracles.

9. In 1999, I was involved in a very serious automobile accident. Neither of the two drivers were wearing a seat belt. I had two broken arms and I've previously discussed the other driver. Miracle!

10. My most recent experience with Cancer...I don't need to talk about it as I've spent the past year documenting it. Miracle!!!!!

I could go on and on but I think these rank as my top 10 (in chronological order).

Miracles continue to happen! I told our ward (church congregation) today that I have a testimony of prayer. So many prayers have been said on our behalf. Not saying that everyone that wasn't cured of cancer did not have their prayers answered or that I'm special, I just know how much the prayers helped us. Miracles...so grateful for miracles.

Did I read that correctly?

Okay...I feel like I've been a bit negative lately. I've been concerned about my pending scan. I've been overly worried about every little pain and abnormal feeling. I've heard that this is the life of a cancer survivor. I received what I believe to be good news today. Let me start from the beginning:

5:30 am - Wake up and get ready for the day. Nick has early morning seminary today.

6:15 am - Take Nick to seminary.

7:45 am - Michelle's Mom came over to get Sydney off to school and we left for IMC. I unfortunately forgot the paperwork so we had to turn around to get it. Good thing we left early!

8:15 am - We arrived at IMC and I registered for my blood labs.

8:25 am - The vampires at IMC sucked a couple of vials of blood from my arm. They used my good vein which concerned me because I knew that the CT tech would need to hook up an IV tube for the PET scan.

8:30 am - We went upstairs to register for the PET Scan.

8:35 am - They called me back for the PET scan. I wasn't scheduled until 9:00 am.

The timing gets fuzzy from here as I couldn't see a clock and didn't have my cell phone. I went back and they had me start drinking the iodine/crystal light mix. The tech hooked up the IV line. He then brought in the radioactive sugar mix and injected it into the line. I got to rest for about 45 minutes while the radioactive sugar was absorbed into my system. The tech came back in had me drink some more crystal light mix. It was then time for the scan. I had to lay down on the table with my arms raised above my head and they told me to not move for 35 minutes.

The scan begins with a quick CT scan of my entire body and then the PET scan takes pictures of sections of my body in 5 minute increments. I've never really been claustrophobic but today I felt a little nervous. The tube is about 3 feet long and it felt like I was in there for a long time.

This is probably a lot more information than you ever wanted to know about PET scans but I thought I would give you an idea of what I go through each time. When I got home, the blood labs were already on Intermountain Healthcare's website. The numbers looked good but no scan data yet. About 30 minutes later, the scan results came up. This is what it said:

FINDINGS: At the skull base and neck no abnormal hypermetabolic
uptake was detected.

At the thorax no abnormal hypermetabolic uptake was detected.

At the abdomen and pelvis no abnormal hypermetabolic uptake was
detected.

Foci of increased activity described on the prior study at
mesenteric lymph nodes have resolved over the interval. CT of the
abdomen shows progression of lymph node nodules although there is
persistent mesenteric density, which is not hypermetabolic by PET
scan. This shows mild decrease in size over the interval.

No osseous site of abnormal uptake is detected.

IMPRESSION: Currently there is no focal abnormality that is

suspicious for active neoplasm.

Did I read that correctly? "Currently there is no focal abnormality that is suspicious for active neoplasm." What? I went in with the hope that I would see a decrease in the standard uptake value and lymph nodes that shrunk. I didn't expect that I would see those results.

I have to call it a miracle. As I've mentioned before, I received two priesthood blessings, I've had so many prayers on my behalf, and I've changed my diet. I'm afraid that this means I'm going to have to remain a vegetarian. I'm convinced that miracles do happen. I have to admit that I haven't been as faithful as I could have been. I've had my doubts. I am so thankful tonight.

I haven't stopped smiling today. I've shed a few tears (all happy tears). We took the kids out to dinner tonight. After carrying this around for over a year now, I think we can finally breathe a sigh of relief. I won't speak to Dr. Legant until Wednesday. She will tell me for sure but I can't wait to hear from her. I don't think this means we are out of the woods. We need to have a string of these clean scans, but this is the first step.

It is a great day and once again, I have to thank all of you for your support!

One Year Ago...

Yesterday marks the one year anniversary of my first chemotherapy treatment. All weekend, I've had some psychosomatic symptoms. We've been talking about it throughout the week and for some strange reason, I've had too many memories of chemo this week. I could vividly remember the smells of that first chemo session. I was so sick and I swear I could smell the exact same smells. I was watching a tv program on the Disney Channel and there is a kid from a current Disney TV show that was doing a musical number and it reminded me of when I was sick. I've felt sick to my stomach for much of the week. Again, I think it was psychosomatic but maybe I've had a bug as well. Finally, I was eating a zinger today (yes, I still eat like a 10 year old), and I was reminded of a dear friend that passed this past year. He came to visit me and brought treats and one of the treats was zingers.

So glad to be on this end of it. I have a scan on the 27th and I'm not going to lie, I'm nervous. I had a wonderful sister grab my hand today and tell me that she is so happy that I'm doing so well. I visited her house once when I was in the Bishopric and I didn't think she knew me well but she told me that she has been praying for me. I love the power of prayer! Our home teachers came over tonight and gave a lesson on prayer. I don't know where I would be without prayer. I'm not perfect with my prayers but I go to Heavenly Father a lot...at home, for my kids, for my extended family and friends, with my job, and especially for my sweetheart! I told the kids tonight how I always try to envision Heavenly Father listening to me. My prayers have more meaning when I pray that way. Thank you again for all of your prayers.

Dear Cancer...

Dear Cancer, (scratch that...there is nothing dear about you)

I was inspired by a social media outlet that writes letters to you. I also want to write a letter to you. I will not thank you for giving me cancer, but I will say that I'm appreciative for the experiences that I've gained through you. You may have made my body weaker, the awful effects of chemo continue to bother me, but I'm stronger. I'm stronger mentally, I know my attitude and approach to fighting you made me stronger mentally. You see, I know I'm going to beat you. Yes, there have been hiccups and there may be more but I'm going to fight you. I've always joked that I'm a lover, not a fighter but I have no love for you. I don't wish for anyone to be hurt, but you...I want you completely eradicated from the face of the earth. I know you think you win sometimes. Some people succumb to you. But do you really win? Those people become stronger, their families are stronger and they become better people.

I've also become stronger spiritually. I have to rely on faith! I've received two blessings that said I would be cured but that there would be bumps in the road. I love the power of the priesthood. I've talked with people that wonder why God allowed you to come into this world. I'm convinced that it is for the refinement that some of us need. I've learned more about the power of prayer this past year and that is all attributable to you. I've had members of my own faith pray for me, Baptists, Lutherans, Catholics, Muslims and I'm sure many others. I know God listens and answers prayers.

My family has become stronger. Michelle is awesome! I can't imagine going through this with anyone else. We still get excited to see each other every day. I love her more than ever before. My kids have also been amazing. They make me laugh and show me how much they love me every day. My parents continue to be a great source of support. I still look forward to speaking with them often. My siblings, Michelle's family, cousins, and many others have been so great. I heard a stat the other day and I don't remember the exact number, but it stated that men can only have 10 or less significant relationships/friendships at any given time. I disagree with that number. Cancer...you have proven that to be incorrect.

Despite some of the good things, there are areas where you are winning. I continue to battle the demons in my head that tell me that you could come back. I get stressed out every time I go for a scan or blood work. I worry about Michelle and the kids if something did happen. At times, I feel less than everyone else because of you. You are a chink in my armor. I don't like that!

Don't get me wrong cancer, I will fight. I don't like you! In fact, I think you are the one exception to me not hating anyone. I hate that you continue to affect other people that I know. I hate that we've lost people to you. I could stoop to using more colorful language but that is not me and I feel that it would empower you.

Someday, we will find a cure or a way to prevent you. I can't wait until that day.

Sincerely,

Jim (Jimmy)

Quick Update

I actually visited Doctor Legant about a week ago. This was an appointment scheduled between my scans. She had me do my blood work a couple of days before the appointment. So, on Monday the 16th, I went to IMC and had the vampires suck some blood from me. :)

I came home and within minutes they posted the results. These will probably not make a lot of sense for most readers but you can see that they are within normal range

Name	Normal Range	01/16 2012	11/28 2011	09/26 2011	07/26 2011
WBC	3.6-10.6	4.8	3.6	4.6	4.0
RBC	4.50-5.90	5.12	5.28	4.92	4.69
HGB	13.5-17.5	15.2	15.6	14.6	14.3
Hct	41.0-53.0	44.7	45.3	42.6	42.0
MCV	80.0-100.0	87.3	85.8	86.8	89.6
MCH	26.0-34.0	29.7	29.5	29.8	30.5
MCHC	32.0-36.0	34.0	34.4	34.3	34.1
RDW	11.3-15.6	14.6	15.1	13.7	14.1
PLTS	150-400	253	240	255	235
MPV	6.6-10.1	7.4	7.8	7.5	7.6

I knew that the numbers looked great but I couldn't wait to speak with Dr. Legant. I saw her last Wednesday. We spoke for a minute about my blood pressure, yes it is high. I told her that I have WCS..."White Coat Syndrome".

We then turned the conversation to the blood work. She was very happy with the numbers. I think her exact words were: "Your blood labs are perfect, you look great, how do you feel?" To which I answered that I feel great and she liked that answer. She then apologized to me that we are going to need to continue doing PET Scans until the lymph nodes go cold. This peaked my interest. I've been under the impression that I will eventually need to have additional treatment someday so I asked her about it. I also asked her about the fact that 3 lymph nodes shrunk last time. She said that she is thinking they will shrink and become cold and hopes that we won't need to do any additional treatments. That made my day! I've been doing really great ever since. Michelle was happy to hear that as well. Maybe this new found "partial vegetarianism" is paying off? Whatever the reason, I'm ecstatic!

I guess this wasn't really a quick update but it was a good one!

Elder Prawit's Favorite Food

When I first arrived in Thailand on my mission, I was extremely homesick. I was the only missionary in my group that was assigned to a native Thai speaker. I was in a part of Bangkok on the west side of Chao Praya river called Thonburi. I was overwhelmed and afraid of this large city, I'd never seen anything like it before. My parents knew that I was struggling and I had also been sick. One day, I was making a tape for my parents and I asked my companion, Elder Prawit, to tell about his favorite food. It is an old military favorite. After hearing this tape, my parents quit worrying about me. (Warning...it has some language, but it is hilarious)

I was only a month in country, so my Thai was really bad. I was very grateful for Elder Prawit, my Trainer. He was a great missionary and a very good example to me. I hope you enjoy it like I did.

不思議 Fushigi

I've been bad at posting lately...I thought I would share my story of fushigi. When I was a little boy, my Dad was in the military and we lived in Japan. I never learned how to speak Japanese but my Dad served a two and a half year mission in Japan and then we spent 3 years there as a family. So needless to say, my Dad speaks Japanese. Our story of Japan is a cool story but it is a story for another day. This story is about our trip to Las Vegas.

My nephew Dallin was baptized this past weekend. Several of us decided to drive down and see them. My Dad wasn't sure if he could get out of work early but ended up getting off before the rest of us. We spoke on the phone and he was getting ready to leave. I decided that I would get my family on the road so we wouldn't be too far behind him. We got on I-15 and discovered that we were just a short distance behind him and my Mom. We stopped at different places but still managed to follow each other for most of the way.

We had a very good weekend in Las Vegas. We took the kids to the M&M factory and spent some good time with the family. On Sunday, we all went our own way. As it turned out, Michelle and I were the first to head for home. We drove from Las Vegas to St. George and stopped for gas and treats. While we were stopped, I called my Dad to see where they were. He said that they had just entered St. George. We joked that maybe we would see each other. After we got settled, we entered on the freeway and guess who was there...of course it was my Mom and Dad.

My Dad called and said that it was "fushigi". I don't think there is a direct translation but it is like a very rare coincidence or wonder. I didn't hear my Dad very well and thought he said "jushigi". He corrected me and said "fushigi" to which I heard "kushigi". He then said "Fuuuuushigi", to which I responded "Oh... F-U". Everyone in my car started laughing and I realized what I said. My Dad then said, "That is some way to speak to your Dad!"

So that is my story of Fushigi. I have my next appointment with Dr. Legant next week. I hope the blood work looks great! I'll try to stay on top of the blog a little better going forward.

As a side note, I attended a viewing for my Great Uncle Dick Smuin today. He was a great man and I'm so happy he is with my Aunt Larue. During the last few days of his life, he was saying "Shut up Marge". Marge is my Grandma Carbine that passed away a year and a half ago. He then told Ashley, his Granddaughter that was taking care of him, "Marge won't shut the he** up".

My Dad was telling me this story just after we found out about Uncle Dick and we were chuckling about it. Michelle asked what we were laughing about and Dad said, "Oh Uncle Dick died." He then had to correct himself and explain why we were laughing. I can picture my Grandma trying to coax Uncle Dick to come up with her and Larue. What a great generation. Uncle Dick fought in WWII and drove a tank. He was on the cover of Newsweek many years ago. I'm so grateful to know him, my Grandpa, Aunt Larue, and my Grandmas. So weird to think that the last of that generation has passed on.

Jimmy's Christmas Rock

Okay...this might be a bit self indulgent. I don't really have an update on the cancer front but I thought I would share this story that my Dad wrote 32 years ago. It is a true story and I believe the rights to the story are owned by a newspaper but it is a story about me and I don't make any money from this blog so I figure it is fair game.

Jimmy's Christmas Rock
By James W. Carbine

Young Jimmy often visited Grandma, but this particular night was to be the beginning of an unusual event.

It was rather chilly, and a friendly, coal-fed fire crackled in the fireplace. Several large pieces of shining, ebony coal lay on the hearth. The youngster's first encounter with coal soon produced the inevitable question, "What's that?" His father, glancing up from the adult conversation, trying to add a little humor, said, "That's a Christmas rock, and if you're good, you'll get it for Christmas."

The rest of the evening was spent without much thought given to Dad's so-called joke or its absence of laughter.

As the November night grew colder and the fire dimmer, the remaining pieces of coal were added to the fire. Then it happened. Everyone realized Dad's humor had been taken very seriously by at least one person. Dad glanced down to see who was tugging on his sleeve and was met by a heartboken look of a 3-year old. Jimmy, fighting back the tears, said, "Grandpa burned away my Christmas rock."

Grandma soon pacified Jimmy by telling him she would make sure he got another rock for Christmas. She did, however, include one more condition. Jimmy had to kiss her at every meeting in return for the gift. So the evening concluded with everyone happy, with maybe the exception of our would be comic, Dad.

In the week that followed there was the usual excitement for Christmas shared by everyone. But for Jimmy there was a special excitement, as he waited to become the owner of his Christmas rock. Whenever asked the question, "What do you want for Christmas?" the first and often only answer was, "A Christmas rock."

His enthusiasm spread and soon his younger sisgter, Charlene, had made the same arrangement with Grandma, and she too was anxiously awaiting the blessed day.

In a time of electronic gadgetry, talking tooth brushes and all sorts of glittering toys on the market, it amazed people that a youngster could be so fascinated by a black ugly, piece of coal. The same coal used in Christmases past to punish children was now a reward for being good.

Soon the festive holiday arrived, and as promised, there under the Christmas tree lay two beautiful Christmas rocks, strangely resembling two ugly hunks of coal. The tricycles, electric trains, and dolls created almost as much excitement and joy; but when asked which present would be taken as the family visited friends and relatives, there was never really any doubt as to what Jimmy and Charlene would take.

In their travels that day, they beamed with joy when asked what they got. They quickly showed their pride and joy--their rocks.

One cousin, about the same age as Jimmy, felt quite bad that he didn't have a Christmas rock. Grandma again came to the rescue promising yet another piece of coal (however, after dropping his Christmas rock on his bare foot, the cousin lost most of his admiration for it).

Though the newness soon wore off, the pride in ownership remained. Today seven years later, the rock remains proudly perched on a shelf like a trophy. Grandma still collects her kisses, and anyone entering Jimmy's room is immediately shown the rock.

Several months later as Grandma's birthday approached and a present was being discussed, young Jimmy suggested, "Let's get her a Birthday rock!"

Don't Waste Your...

You fill in the blank here. I was looking at the list of blogs that I mentioned on my last post and I saw a picture of a Mom and her baby and on the window was written, "Don't waste your cancer". Unfortunately, I don't know who to credit for the thought but it was eye opening for me. I then thought about all of the adversity that my family and I have faced over the years. I think in every one of those situations, we learned something. Perhaps the lesson is as simple as the realization of how strong we have become or that we are so blessed to come out of that "challenge" with very few scars.

It has been a rough week and a half. My Dad went into the hospital on Monday, November 14th. He has Pancreatitis. He has been in so much pain. It is hard to watch someone that you love suffer so much. It has been tough on my Mom as well. She is so tired. Unfortunately, we had to have Thanksgiving without him today. I can't wait for him to be back to his old self. This experience has really made me appreciate how Michelle and my family must have felt while I was going through treatment.

We have a PET Scan on Monday. Is it possible to be excited and scared at the same time? I want to know how the cancer is progressing but I'm also scared of what we will find. I'm very hopeful that we will see very little progression at all. I still owe Michelle a 20 year anniversary trip next spring and I'd like to feel good when we go. Michelle is a trooper. We don't have drama in our lives. I couldn't have picked a better mate.

I expressed gratitude in my last post but once again, I'm thankful for all of you. Thank you for your prayers, we continue to need them and we know that we are much stronger because of them.

Don't waste your challenges. Embrace them, learn from them, and realize how blessed you are because of them.

Cancer Blogs

I've recently found a wonderful place on the web that indexes various blogs regarding cancer. It is http://beingcancer.net/. They recently added my Blog to their growing list. I stumbled upon it by chance and I hate to admit it but I have found myself spending several hours reading other cancer survivors' blogs. It has been real eye opening for me. Despite how I feel about cancer and my own experiences, I'm finding that there are so many people that deal with this "stuff" every day. I'm also learning that people deal with it in very different ways. I see a lot of people that face it head on with a positive attitude and others that are just so upset and mad. I can't say which way is better as I think it depends on the person.

I'm five months out from my last chemo treatment. There is a strong chance that I will eventually have to do something more, but until that time, I feel great! Since my return to work, in June, I haven't missed a single day due to health reasons. I had a minor scare last week but I'm feeling really healthy. I know, I know, I shouldn't jinx myself. I'm just trying to point out that I've been very fortunate.

One thing that I have realized from reading all of these blogs is that there is always something worse that I could be dealing with right now. I read heartbreaking stories of families who lost a pregnancy due to treatments, others who have battled with several different types of cancer and finally some that finally succumbed to the disease. It truly breaks my heart!

I'm sorry to all of you that were scared by my illness. Especially my family. I will never forget sitting down with my kids and telling them about my diagnosis. I tried to be calm and assure them that everything would be alright. I truly felt peace at diagnosis, but I hope I didn't minimize the seriousness of cancer for them. I'm sorry to Michelle. I told her over the phone...looking back, that was terrible but I knew she was so anxious about what was going on. We've shared a few tears but more than anything...we have become so close!

In this month of gratitude, I'm grateful for all of the men and women that preceded me in this cancer experience and have shared their experiences. It is so helpful to know that others have gone through very similar experiences and I'm able to learn from those shared experiences. It really does help me and I'm sure it has helped many others as well.

Here are a few other things I'm thankful for:

• Michelle - I've said it so many times, she is my rock!



• My kids - you make the fight easy



• My parents and Michelle's parents -you've done so much for us



• My siblings - you make me smile



• Extended Family - I realize how important all of you are to me



• Friends - I was looking at all of the cards that we received from our friends. There were so many, now multiply that by 1,000 and we might be able to capture all of the phone calls, emails, visits, etc...



• Dr. Legant - I made a recommendation for her on Facebook the other day and I stand by it. She is a great Oncologist.



• Chemotherapy - Did I just say that? Despite the side effects, I'm grateful that it knocked the tumor down to nothing.



• Time - Even though I know that I will most likely have to face additional treatment, I'm really grateful for this time of feeling good.



• Health - A high school friend whose family has fought with cancer has a joke. They like to say "At least you have your health." I like it and I think about it often. It is a joke but I am pretty lucky. I'm glad I've always had a pretty good immune system to keep me healthy.

Finally, I'm making some changes in my life to hopefully help me. I'm eating mostly vegetarian. During the week, I am a vegetarian. On the weekends I will relax a little bit. I've read of so many health benefits from being a vegetarian. I realize that you can be a vegetarian and still be unhealthy. I'm not making too drastic of a change for now but the goal is to give my body the best opportunity to fight this nasty disease and hopefully keep it from spreading. I guess I'm struggling a bit with faith right now. Not so much faith in God but rather faith in the healing process. I want to sign up for a race but I'm so scared that I won't be able to do it because of my health. If I really had faith, I would jump in and not be concerned about the future.

I have a PET Scan on 11/28/2011. We will see what that brings. I realize that I'm basically asking for a sign before I exercise my faith. I typically don't need that but in this case, it would sure help.

Check out the other blogs that I mentioned. Especially if you, someone you love, or even an acquaintance is battling cancer. There are a lot of people that are much smarter and definitely more eloquent than me that can provide real help.

Feeling Sick

I woke up today with chills. It snowed last night so I thought maybe that was it but I later realized that I had a slight fever. I then got on a coughing fit. It was a deep cough in my chest. I'm really trying to stay calm but it brought back all of the memories from when I was diagnosed. I don't share this to complain...I just wanted to share the feelings that I was having today.

I came across the following quote later today and it was perfect for me:

Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice
at the end of the day saying,
"I will try again tomorrow."

-Mary Ann Radmacher

I don't know Ms. Radmacher but I'm grateful for this wonderful quote. I'll be courageous tomorrow (or at least I will try).

Michelle wants me to call Dr. Legant on Monday morning. I told her it depends on how I feel. I'm just really grateful that we didn't have anything to do today. We did have a dinner set up with some very good friends but I called and mentioned that we would need to take a rain check.

Here's to a better day tomorrow...Oh and we get to set the clocks back one hour. I love it!

Speaking Thai (Pumpkins, Crosses, and Trousers)

Nothing too much on the health front. I've been very tired this week but a couple of early nights and I feel much better. I thought I might share a little about my experiences learning Thai. In recognition of Halloween, the Thai word for Pumpkin is fakthong. Unfortunately, the first 3 letters are pronounced like the mother of all swear words, the big one...the f bomb. It's amazing that the word came up a few times in Thailand (maybe we made excuses to use the word). :)

That is not the story that I wanted to tell though. When I was 3 months in country, I went to a new city to help with the fair. The city was Phitsanulok and we built a mock temple with pictures inside to present to all of the attendees at the fair. The front facade was that of the Salt Lake Temple (no where near as nice). The booth was very well attended. It was actually a great opportunity to use my recently learned Thai. I spent the days talking about Temples, Jesus Christ, and many other gospel topics.

I was getting a little cocky. I thought I could speak so well! An attractive young lady came in to the booth. We didn't have sister missionaries in that city, in fact we were the only two missionaries in the whole city. I began giving her the tour and showed her the pictures as I discussed the gospel and shared my testimony. At one picture, she became very interested. It was a picture of the Savior on the cross. I thought it was very impressive of her since many Thai's did not know about Jesus Christ. I became excited as I thought the message was sinking in. Then it happened! She asked the question...not the question that I wanted but a question. She pointed to the picture and asked why we don't wear those around our necks (speaking of the cross) as she had seen other Christians wear crosses. In my most eloquent Thai I told her, "We don't wear crosses in our church". Only trouble is that I got the word for cross wrong. I told her that "We don't wear pants in our church". She blushed, I knew instantly that I had messed up. You see...the word for cross is Gaankhen and the word for pants/trousers is Gaanggeng.

I tried to laugh it off and move on but we were both embarrassed. Funny thing is that she ended up taking the discussions. She did not end up getting baptized but it was a great learning experience. I've heard of other stories of new speakers making mistakes. I know my Dad once got engaged to a cute little Japanese girl but not intentionally. Please share your experiences with us.

My "Man Card" Has Been Revoked

I wasn't sure if I would admit this to the world, but I took Michelle to see Footloose and I liked it. I felt a little less manly. I admit it! To compensate for this feeling, I went to the BYU/Idaho State football game and watched BYU destroy the Bengals. No offense to any Bengal fans that may stumble upon my blog, but I think the Copper Hills High School football team could have beaten them.

I've been feeling pretty good lately. I've been trying to walk on the treadmill. I've only made it 3 1/2 miles so far but I'm working up to more. Even though I am very tired when I finish, it makes me feel good when I am exercising.

I read an interesting quote the other day andI can appreciate the message now more than ever before. It says:

"We have no right to ask when sorrow comes 'Why did this happen to me?' unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way." Author - Unknown

This is a great way to look at life. I think my blog keeps me humble and helps me remember how lucky I am to be here. I will admit that the further I get away from treatment, the less I think about the big challenge. Don't get me wrong, I think about it every day, I just don't reflect on how lucky I am. I hope I never forget what I've been through.

In the meantime, I'd better get back on the treadmill and start earning my "Man Card" back. :)

Melancholy...

I hope I spelled it right. :) Since my last scan I have been doing well. I feel pretty good, a little run down but I've felt somewhat normal. I have experienced some melancholy over the past few weeks though. I haven't had any breakdowns or anything, I just haven't felt like myself. I've been working through it and putting on my best face (you have to work with what you've got). :) I've been a little upset that I didn't get good news at my last scan.

Fast forward to today...I attended another HopeKids event. This event was at Jordan Commons, they were hosting a screening of "Dolphin Tale" for the kids. As a reminder, these events are for kids with life threatening illnesses. We were helping with sodas and popcorn. As I watched these amazing kids and their parents, I suddenly forgot about my problems. There was a boy in a reclining wheelchair. He had a breathing tube and had a rough time speaking. He was wearing a BYU baseball cap and had a BYU blanket. I said, "Here's my guy!" I went to talk to him about BYU football. He smiled and we had a brief conversation about the game today. He knew that they were playing Oregon State at Oregon. He then asked me where Oregon is located. I briefly explained that it was between California and Washington. As his Mom pushed him away, I said "Go Cougars" and he laughed.

Life could be so much harder. I'm able to go to work, have a normal life and I'm fairly healthy (even with cancer). I have so much to be grateful for, I wonder if that little guy even knows what a "normal" day feels like. I would guess that his normal is so much worse than anything I've ever felt. I walked away feeling like a shmuck! I have it good. I came home to my nice house, watched the Utah and BYU games on TV, when I got hungry, I made a sandwich. Life could be so much worse.

I know some of you were able to notice that I wasn't myself these past few weeks. Thanks for putting up with me. No more pity party for me. I need to remember to serve others when I'm feeling down. I love to serve! I wasn't thrilled about getting up early on a Saturday morning but I'm so glad I went. I don't know that little boy's name, but to him I say "Thank you! Thank you for putting a smile on my face in the midst of your enormous challenge!"

It's Better To Look Up

Every 6 months, the LDS Church holds a General Conference for all of its members. This is such a wonderful experience as we have the opportunity to listen to our leaders and the messages that they have prepared.

I have to admit, I wasn't always a fan. When I was younger, my Mom and Dad used to suggest a long car ride on conference weekend. It was brilliant! We were a captive audience. As I grew a little older, I began to appreciate the messages.

This last weekend was great! Many great messages. There was one talk in particular that I loved. It was titled, "It is better to look up" by Elder Carl Cook. At the beginning of the message, he told a story of when he was first called to be a General Authority. He was feeling overwhelmed and was riding the elevator down. The elevator stopped on a floor and someone entered. Elder Cook was feeling burdened and looking at the floor. I'm paraphrasing now but the person that entered the elevator happened to be Thomas S. Monson, our Prophet. He asked Elder Cook, "What are you looking at down there?" The answer was "Oh...nothing." President Monson then said, "It's better to look up."

President Monson was giving encouragement to this new church leader and was recommending that he seek after the Lord. I had several thoughts when I heard this story, I thought of several things:

1. I've always been a fan of prayer. I haven't always been the most consistent with my prayers, but I have learned over the years that things seem to go better when I pray. Don't get me wrong, I still have challenges (obviously), but I have a sense of peace about those challenges.

2. Looking up is synonomous with something positive. Since my latest scan, it has been harder to "look up". I'm still very confident in the prognosis but I'm also discouraged. I wanted a clean bill of health. Not yet and probably won't get that clean bill of health for a while.

3. If you look up to someone, you admire them and/or respect them. I look up to so many of you that take the time to keep tabs on me and my family. I look up to my parents and Michelle's parents. I look up to my sweetheart and our kids. I look up to my extended family (brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins). I look up to so many of you and you will probably never know because I don't share that type of info very often.

4. Most importantly, I look up to my older brother. You may be thinking "But you're the first child in your family." Yes, but I have an older brother named Jesus Christ. He is still the only one that knows exactly what I'm going through. He suffered for us and knows our trials (challenges).

I love General Conference! It really is better to look up!

Not Sure What It Means...

I think the hypermetabolic activity is spreading but I'll have to wait until my appointment with Dr. Legant on Thursday to be sure. Here are the results of my PET Scan today (with my commentary):

Findings: At the skull base and neck no abnormal hypermetabolic uptake is detected. (This sounds good)

At the thorax no abnormal hypermetabolic uptake is detected. (This also sounds good)

In the central upper abdomen there is a new mesenteric focus of increased activity, which measures 1.9 cm in diameter. It is centered at CT transverse section 156 with maximum SUV 4.8. (This doesn't sound good)

Three other sites of abnormal hypermetabolic uptake persist in the abdomen. Mesentery focus at CT transverse section 163 shows SUV of 2.4. This previously measured 5.3. (Mixed on this one)

Increased activity is seen at two other sites in the mesentery and these have increased from a previous maximum of 4.1 to 6.2 SUV. (Not so good?)

At the pelvis no abnormal hypermetabolic uptake is detected. (Good)

Impression:
1. A new mesentery hypermetabolic lymph node has deveoloped over the interval.
2. Other sites of abnormal hypermetabolism show a mixed response since the prior study. Several sites show increased standard uptake values since the prior examination.

Too soon to get overly upset or concerned. Regardless of the outcome, we are ready to fight...again!

My Attempt At Film Making

Okay, please don't judge the artistic value of this video. I wanted to do this before my upcoming PET Scan on 9/27/2011. I love the message in this song...I hope you do too.

Jimmy!

What Is Happiness?

I recently read a neat quote..."Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time." I really liked this quote. We all know someone that never seems happy and we also know people that are happy no matter what happens. My own view of happiness has changed over the past 7 or 8 months. I've always considered myself a pretty happy person. Don't get me wrong, I have my bad days and can do better. Here are a few tips for happiness:

• Focus on the positive - I know this is very cliche' but it is true.


• Be happy today - I'm sure we all know people that are always looking for the next big thing and aren't happy today.


• Make happy deposits - Find those moments that you can recall during the less than happy times.


• Enjoy your family - They are a great source of joy.


• Be grateful - When we can be grateful for our challenges, we grow and appreciate it more when we overcome those challenges.


• Give more - While most of us think of money when we say "Give more", I think it is more important to give of yourself. Do what you can to make other people happy and your happiness will increase.


• Expect less - This doesn't mean we should lower our standards but if we always set the bar really high and rarely reach that bar, we will be disappointed.

Sorry to get philosophical on you but I've had a few experiences recently that made me realize that some people aren't happy and in most cases, it is their own fault. I love my sweetheart, she is a very happy person. My kids too! We laugh, we love eachother and we are happy. Life is good and we all should be happier!