Jimmy's Christmas Rock

Okay...this might be a bit self indulgent. I don't really have an update on the cancer front but I thought I would share this story that my Dad wrote 32 years ago. It is a true story and I believe the rights to the story are owned by a newspaper but it is a story about me and I don't make any money from this blog so I figure it is fair game.

Jimmy's Christmas Rock
By James W. Carbine

Young Jimmy often visited Grandma, but this particular night was to be the beginning of an unusual event.

It was rather chilly, and a friendly, coal-fed fire crackled in the fireplace. Several large pieces of shining, ebony coal lay on the hearth. The youngster's first encounter with coal soon produced the inevitable question, "What's that?" His father, glancing up from the adult conversation, trying to add a little humor, said, "That's a Christmas rock, and if you're good, you'll get it for Christmas."

The rest of the evening was spent without much thought given to Dad's so-called joke or its absence of laughter.

As the November night grew colder and the fire dimmer, the remaining pieces of coal were added to the fire. Then it happened. Everyone realized Dad's humor had been taken very seriously by at least one person. Dad glanced down to see who was tugging on his sleeve and was met by a heartboken look of a 3-year old. Jimmy, fighting back the tears, said, "Grandpa burned away my Christmas rock."

Grandma soon pacified Jimmy by telling him she would make sure he got another rock for Christmas. She did, however, include one more condition. Jimmy had to kiss her at every meeting in return for the gift. So the evening concluded with everyone happy, with maybe the exception of our would be comic, Dad.

In the week that followed there was the usual excitement for Christmas shared by everyone. But for Jimmy there was a special excitement, as he waited to become the owner of his Christmas rock. Whenever asked the question, "What do you want for Christmas?" the first and often only answer was, "A Christmas rock."

His enthusiasm spread and soon his younger sisgter, Charlene, had made the same arrangement with Grandma, and she too was anxiously awaiting the blessed day.

In a time of electronic gadgetry, talking tooth brushes and all sorts of glittering toys on the market, it amazed people that a youngster could be so fascinated by a black ugly, piece of coal. The same coal used in Christmases past to punish children was now a reward for being good.

Soon the festive holiday arrived, and as promised, there under the Christmas tree lay two beautiful Christmas rocks, strangely resembling two ugly hunks of coal. The tricycles, electric trains, and dolls created almost as much excitement and joy; but when asked which present would be taken as the family visited friends and relatives, there was never really any doubt as to what Jimmy and Charlene would take.

In their travels that day, they beamed with joy when asked what they got. They quickly showed their pride and joy--their rocks.

One cousin, about the same age as Jimmy, felt quite bad that he didn't have a Christmas rock. Grandma again came to the rescue promising yet another piece of coal (however, after dropping his Christmas rock on his bare foot, the cousin lost most of his admiration for it).

Though the newness soon wore off, the pride in ownership remained. Today seven years later, the rock remains proudly perched on a shelf like a trophy. Grandma still collects her kisses, and anyone entering Jimmy's room is immediately shown the rock.

Several months later as Grandma's birthday approached and a present was being discussed, young Jimmy suggested, "Let's get her a Birthday rock!"

Don't Waste Your...

You fill in the blank here. I was looking at the list of blogs that I mentioned on my last post and I saw a picture of a Mom and her baby and on the window was written, "Don't waste your cancer". Unfortunately, I don't know who to credit for the thought but it was eye opening for me. I then thought about all of the adversity that my family and I have faced over the years. I think in every one of those situations, we learned something. Perhaps the lesson is as simple as the realization of how strong we have become or that we are so blessed to come out of that "challenge" with very few scars.

It has been a rough week and a half. My Dad went into the hospital on Monday, November 14th. He has Pancreatitis. He has been in so much pain. It is hard to watch someone that you love suffer so much. It has been tough on my Mom as well. She is so tired. Unfortunately, we had to have Thanksgiving without him today. I can't wait for him to be back to his old self. This experience has really made me appreciate how Michelle and my family must have felt while I was going through treatment.

We have a PET Scan on Monday. Is it possible to be excited and scared at the same time? I want to know how the cancer is progressing but I'm also scared of what we will find. I'm very hopeful that we will see very little progression at all. I still owe Michelle a 20 year anniversary trip next spring and I'd like to feel good when we go. Michelle is a trooper. We don't have drama in our lives. I couldn't have picked a better mate.

I expressed gratitude in my last post but once again, I'm thankful for all of you. Thank you for your prayers, we continue to need them and we know that we are much stronger because of them.

Don't waste your challenges. Embrace them, learn from them, and realize how blessed you are because of them.

Cancer Blogs

I've recently found a wonderful place on the web that indexes various blogs regarding cancer. It is http://beingcancer.net/. They recently added my Blog to their growing list. I stumbled upon it by chance and I hate to admit it but I have found myself spending several hours reading other cancer survivors' blogs. It has been real eye opening for me. Despite how I feel about cancer and my own experiences, I'm finding that there are so many people that deal with this "stuff" every day. I'm also learning that people deal with it in very different ways. I see a lot of people that face it head on with a positive attitude and others that are just so upset and mad. I can't say which way is better as I think it depends on the person.

I'm five months out from my last chemo treatment. There is a strong chance that I will eventually have to do something more, but until that time, I feel great! Since my return to work, in June, I haven't missed a single day due to health reasons. I had a minor scare last week but I'm feeling really healthy. I know, I know, I shouldn't jinx myself. I'm just trying to point out that I've been very fortunate.

One thing that I have realized from reading all of these blogs is that there is always something worse that I could be dealing with right now. I read heartbreaking stories of families who lost a pregnancy due to treatments, others who have battled with several different types of cancer and finally some that finally succumbed to the disease. It truly breaks my heart!

I'm sorry to all of you that were scared by my illness. Especially my family. I will never forget sitting down with my kids and telling them about my diagnosis. I tried to be calm and assure them that everything would be alright. I truly felt peace at diagnosis, but I hope I didn't minimize the seriousness of cancer for them. I'm sorry to Michelle. I told her over the phone...looking back, that was terrible but I knew she was so anxious about what was going on. We've shared a few tears but more than anything...we have become so close!

In this month of gratitude, I'm grateful for all of the men and women that preceded me in this cancer experience and have shared their experiences. It is so helpful to know that others have gone through very similar experiences and I'm able to learn from those shared experiences. It really does help me and I'm sure it has helped many others as well.

Here are a few other things I'm thankful for:

• Michelle - I've said it so many times, she is my rock!



• My kids - you make the fight easy



• My parents and Michelle's parents -you've done so much for us



• My siblings - you make me smile



• Extended Family - I realize how important all of you are to me



• Friends - I was looking at all of the cards that we received from our friends. There were so many, now multiply that by 1,000 and we might be able to capture all of the phone calls, emails, visits, etc...



• Dr. Legant - I made a recommendation for her on Facebook the other day and I stand by it. She is a great Oncologist.



• Chemotherapy - Did I just say that? Despite the side effects, I'm grateful that it knocked the tumor down to nothing.



• Time - Even though I know that I will most likely have to face additional treatment, I'm really grateful for this time of feeling good.



• Health - A high school friend whose family has fought with cancer has a joke. They like to say "At least you have your health." I like it and I think about it often. It is a joke but I am pretty lucky. I'm glad I've always had a pretty good immune system to keep me healthy.

Finally, I'm making some changes in my life to hopefully help me. I'm eating mostly vegetarian. During the week, I am a vegetarian. On the weekends I will relax a little bit. I've read of so many health benefits from being a vegetarian. I realize that you can be a vegetarian and still be unhealthy. I'm not making too drastic of a change for now but the goal is to give my body the best opportunity to fight this nasty disease and hopefully keep it from spreading. I guess I'm struggling a bit with faith right now. Not so much faith in God but rather faith in the healing process. I want to sign up for a race but I'm so scared that I won't be able to do it because of my health. If I really had faith, I would jump in and not be concerned about the future.

I have a PET Scan on 11/28/2011. We will see what that brings. I realize that I'm basically asking for a sign before I exercise my faith. I typically don't need that but in this case, it would sure help.

Check out the other blogs that I mentioned. Especially if you, someone you love, or even an acquaintance is battling cancer. There are a lot of people that are much smarter and definitely more eloquent than me that can provide real help.

Feeling Sick

I woke up today with chills. It snowed last night so I thought maybe that was it but I later realized that I had a slight fever. I then got on a coughing fit. It was a deep cough in my chest. I'm really trying to stay calm but it brought back all of the memories from when I was diagnosed. I don't share this to complain...I just wanted to share the feelings that I was having today.

I came across the following quote later today and it was perfect for me:

Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice
at the end of the day saying,
"I will try again tomorrow."

-Mary Ann Radmacher

I don't know Ms. Radmacher but I'm grateful for this wonderful quote. I'll be courageous tomorrow (or at least I will try).

Michelle wants me to call Dr. Legant on Monday morning. I told her it depends on how I feel. I'm just really grateful that we didn't have anything to do today. We did have a dinner set up with some very good friends but I called and mentioned that we would need to take a rain check.

Here's to a better day tomorrow...Oh and we get to set the clocks back one hour. I love it!

Speaking Thai (Pumpkins, Crosses, and Trousers)

Nothing too much on the health front. I've been very tired this week but a couple of early nights and I feel much better. I thought I might share a little about my experiences learning Thai. In recognition of Halloween, the Thai word for Pumpkin is fakthong. Unfortunately, the first 3 letters are pronounced like the mother of all swear words, the big one...the f bomb. It's amazing that the word came up a few times in Thailand (maybe we made excuses to use the word). :)

That is not the story that I wanted to tell though. When I was 3 months in country, I went to a new city to help with the fair. The city was Phitsanulok and we built a mock temple with pictures inside to present to all of the attendees at the fair. The front facade was that of the Salt Lake Temple (no where near as nice). The booth was very well attended. It was actually a great opportunity to use my recently learned Thai. I spent the days talking about Temples, Jesus Christ, and many other gospel topics.

I was getting a little cocky. I thought I could speak so well! An attractive young lady came in to the booth. We didn't have sister missionaries in that city, in fact we were the only two missionaries in the whole city. I began giving her the tour and showed her the pictures as I discussed the gospel and shared my testimony. At one picture, she became very interested. It was a picture of the Savior on the cross. I thought it was very impressive of her since many Thai's did not know about Jesus Christ. I became excited as I thought the message was sinking in. Then it happened! She asked the question...not the question that I wanted but a question. She pointed to the picture and asked why we don't wear those around our necks (speaking of the cross) as she had seen other Christians wear crosses. In my most eloquent Thai I told her, "We don't wear crosses in our church". Only trouble is that I got the word for cross wrong. I told her that "We don't wear pants in our church". She blushed, I knew instantly that I had messed up. You see...the word for cross is Gaankhen and the word for pants/trousers is Gaanggeng.

I tried to laugh it off and move on but we were both embarrassed. Funny thing is that she ended up taking the discussions. She did not end up getting baptized but it was a great learning experience. I've heard of other stories of new speakers making mistakes. I know my Dad once got engaged to a cute little Japanese girl but not intentionally. Please share your experiences with us.

My "Man Card" Has Been Revoked

I wasn't sure if I would admit this to the world, but I took Michelle to see Footloose and I liked it. I felt a little less manly. I admit it! To compensate for this feeling, I went to the BYU/Idaho State football game and watched BYU destroy the Bengals. No offense to any Bengal fans that may stumble upon my blog, but I think the Copper Hills High School football team could have beaten them.

I've been feeling pretty good lately. I've been trying to walk on the treadmill. I've only made it 3 1/2 miles so far but I'm working up to more. Even though I am very tired when I finish, it makes me feel good when I am exercising.

I read an interesting quote the other day andI can appreciate the message now more than ever before. It says:

"We have no right to ask when sorrow comes 'Why did this happen to me?' unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way." Author - Unknown

This is a great way to look at life. I think my blog keeps me humble and helps me remember how lucky I am to be here. I will admit that the further I get away from treatment, the less I think about the big challenge. Don't get me wrong, I think about it every day, I just don't reflect on how lucky I am. I hope I never forget what I've been through.

In the meantime, I'd better get back on the treadmill and start earning my "Man Card" back. :)

Melancholy...

I hope I spelled it right. :) Since my last scan I have been doing well. I feel pretty good, a little run down but I've felt somewhat normal. I have experienced some melancholy over the past few weeks though. I haven't had any breakdowns or anything, I just haven't felt like myself. I've been working through it and putting on my best face (you have to work with what you've got). :) I've been a little upset that I didn't get good news at my last scan.

Fast forward to today...I attended another HopeKids event. This event was at Jordan Commons, they were hosting a screening of "Dolphin Tale" for the kids. As a reminder, these events are for kids with life threatening illnesses. We were helping with sodas and popcorn. As I watched these amazing kids and their parents, I suddenly forgot about my problems. There was a boy in a reclining wheelchair. He had a breathing tube and had a rough time speaking. He was wearing a BYU baseball cap and had a BYU blanket. I said, "Here's my guy!" I went to talk to him about BYU football. He smiled and we had a brief conversation about the game today. He knew that they were playing Oregon State at Oregon. He then asked me where Oregon is located. I briefly explained that it was between California and Washington. As his Mom pushed him away, I said "Go Cougars" and he laughed.

Life could be so much harder. I'm able to go to work, have a normal life and I'm fairly healthy (even with cancer). I have so much to be grateful for, I wonder if that little guy even knows what a "normal" day feels like. I would guess that his normal is so much worse than anything I've ever felt. I walked away feeling like a shmuck! I have it good. I came home to my nice house, watched the Utah and BYU games on TV, when I got hungry, I made a sandwich. Life could be so much worse.

I know some of you were able to notice that I wasn't myself these past few weeks. Thanks for putting up with me. No more pity party for me. I need to remember to serve others when I'm feeling down. I love to serve! I wasn't thrilled about getting up early on a Saturday morning but I'm so glad I went. I don't know that little boy's name, but to him I say "Thank you! Thank you for putting a smile on my face in the midst of your enormous challenge!"

It's Better To Look Up

Every 6 months, the LDS Church holds a General Conference for all of its members. This is such a wonderful experience as we have the opportunity to listen to our leaders and the messages that they have prepared.

I have to admit, I wasn't always a fan. When I was younger, my Mom and Dad used to suggest a long car ride on conference weekend. It was brilliant! We were a captive audience. As I grew a little older, I began to appreciate the messages.

This last weekend was great! Many great messages. There was one talk in particular that I loved. It was titled, "It is better to look up" by Elder Carl Cook. At the beginning of the message, he told a story of when he was first called to be a General Authority. He was feeling overwhelmed and was riding the elevator down. The elevator stopped on a floor and someone entered. Elder Cook was feeling burdened and looking at the floor. I'm paraphrasing now but the person that entered the elevator happened to be Thomas S. Monson, our Prophet. He asked Elder Cook, "What are you looking at down there?" The answer was "Oh...nothing." President Monson then said, "It's better to look up."

President Monson was giving encouragement to this new church leader and was recommending that he seek after the Lord. I had several thoughts when I heard this story, I thought of several things:

1. I've always been a fan of prayer. I haven't always been the most consistent with my prayers, but I have learned over the years that things seem to go better when I pray. Don't get me wrong, I still have challenges (obviously), but I have a sense of peace about those challenges.

2. Looking up is synonomous with something positive. Since my latest scan, it has been harder to "look up". I'm still very confident in the prognosis but I'm also discouraged. I wanted a clean bill of health. Not yet and probably won't get that clean bill of health for a while.

3. If you look up to someone, you admire them and/or respect them. I look up to so many of you that take the time to keep tabs on me and my family. I look up to my parents and Michelle's parents. I look up to my sweetheart and our kids. I look up to my extended family (brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins). I look up to so many of you and you will probably never know because I don't share that type of info very often.

4. Most importantly, I look up to my older brother. You may be thinking "But you're the first child in your family." Yes, but I have an older brother named Jesus Christ. He is still the only one that knows exactly what I'm going through. He suffered for us and knows our trials (challenges).

I love General Conference! It really is better to look up!

Not Sure What It Means...

I think the hypermetabolic activity is spreading but I'll have to wait until my appointment with Dr. Legant on Thursday to be sure. Here are the results of my PET Scan today (with my commentary):

Findings: At the skull base and neck no abnormal hypermetabolic uptake is detected. (This sounds good)

At the thorax no abnormal hypermetabolic uptake is detected. (This also sounds good)

In the central upper abdomen there is a new mesenteric focus of increased activity, which measures 1.9 cm in diameter. It is centered at CT transverse section 156 with maximum SUV 4.8. (This doesn't sound good)

Three other sites of abnormal hypermetabolic uptake persist in the abdomen. Mesentery focus at CT transverse section 163 shows SUV of 2.4. This previously measured 5.3. (Mixed on this one)

Increased activity is seen at two other sites in the mesentery and these have increased from a previous maximum of 4.1 to 6.2 SUV. (Not so good?)

At the pelvis no abnormal hypermetabolic uptake is detected. (Good)

Impression:
1. A new mesentery hypermetabolic lymph node has deveoloped over the interval.
2. Other sites of abnormal hypermetabolism show a mixed response since the prior study. Several sites show increased standard uptake values since the prior examination.

Too soon to get overly upset or concerned. Regardless of the outcome, we are ready to fight...again!

My Attempt At Film Making

Okay, please don't judge the artistic value of this video. I wanted to do this before my upcoming PET Scan on 9/27/2011. I love the message in this song...I hope you do too.

Jimmy!

What Is Happiness?

I recently read a neat quote..."Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time." I really liked this quote. We all know someone that never seems happy and we also know people that are happy no matter what happens. My own view of happiness has changed over the past 7 or 8 months. I've always considered myself a pretty happy person. Don't get me wrong, I have my bad days and can do better. Here are a few tips for happiness:

• Focus on the positive - I know this is very cliche' but it is true.


• Be happy today - I'm sure we all know people that are always looking for the next big thing and aren't happy today.


• Make happy deposits - Find those moments that you can recall during the less than happy times.


• Enjoy your family - They are a great source of joy.


• Be grateful - When we can be grateful for our challenges, we grow and appreciate it more when we overcome those challenges.


• Give more - While most of us think of money when we say "Give more", I think it is more important to give of yourself. Do what you can to make other people happy and your happiness will increase.


• Expect less - This doesn't mean we should lower our standards but if we always set the bar really high and rarely reach that bar, we will be disappointed.

Sorry to get philosophical on you but I've had a few experiences recently that made me realize that some people aren't happy and in most cases, it is their own fault. I love my sweetheart, she is a very happy person. My kids too! We laugh, we love eachother and we are happy. Life is good and we all should be happier!

My MVPs

At the risk of offending someone for leaving them off of my list. I wanted to simply take a minute to recognize so many people that supported me and my family during treatments.

Michelle Carbine - How could I not start the list with this girl? She is my rock! I'll never repay her for what she has done.

My kids - Alex, Makenzie, Nick, and Sydney. They were troopers and continue to be a big support.

Our Parents - (Jim and Helen Carbine/Joe and Carol Marks) For the daily phone calls, driving to the appointments, clothing (especially the t-shirts when I was having night sweats), the visits, dinners and so on...(too much to list each thing that they did for us).

My siblings and their spouses - Charlene and Don, Mary and Aaron, Mike and Candice, Steve and Amy, and Bobby and Amelia. Phone calls, visits, helping with our kids, electical work, and much more.

Michelle's siblings - Jennifer Anderson, Joey and Rhonda, Steph and Scott.

Seth and Julie Johnson - Seth is my cousin that had Hodgkins Lymphoma 10 years ago. He was a huge support and was able to help me so much.

Dr. Legant and her staff - Truly one of the finest medical experiences that I've ever encountered.

IMC Huntsman Cancer Center Staff - Megan, Joann, Saima, Leslie, Phyllis, and everyone else. Thanks for making chemo bareable.

All of our Aunts, Uncles, and cousins - So much love and support. I recieved a blanket (Aunt Susan), special emails (Machele, Kate, Debbie, Cindy, Brad, Doug, Kathy, Larrie, Laurel, Holly, Heather, Kris, Wendy, Jamie, Julie, Katie and Josh)

Terry Hutchings-Baker (aka Aunt Terry) - My chemo buddy. We were going through chemo at the same time. She was a few weeks ahead of me and was a great support. I'm glad you are doing better.

Stew and Susie Olsen - Long distance cousins and more importantly friends. Stew has fought a similar battle and is an inspiration to me. He too has been a huge support and allowed me to ask many questions.

Childhood friends - You all know who you are. I appreciate the support.

E*TRADE Employees - You made this so much better for me. What a great place to work!

Facebook family - I felt strange about posting at first, but it made all the difference in the world. You are all the best!

Ward members (past and present) - So much service. Lots of meals brought to us. We love you all so much and apreciate what you did for us. I have to specifically call out the Owens family. They brought dinner every Tuesday whether we needed it or not. Sad that they moved but so grateful for their friendship.

I'm sure there are many other people that I'm forgetting, believe me, you are all included. The point of this post is that you are all my MVPs!!!

What a great family

By the title of this post, you probably assume I'm speaking about my family. While they are so special, I'm speaking about another great family. It starts with this great man named Jon. He came from a fairly modest background, growing up in Blackfoot, Idaho to a School Teacher. I won't chronicle his entire career but he became a very successful business man and he and his wife Karen established the Huntsman Cancer Institute in 1995.

I attended a dinner, silent auction, and survivor's dance last night at the Grand America in Salt Lake City. It was such a neat event. I knew that they did a lot of good work but I wasn't aware of the influence they had on cancer research as a whole. I've often heard that one of the problems with cancer research is that the companies don't want to see a cure because they make so much money from the chemo drugs. I know that is not the case with the Huntsman Cancer Institute. We heard from Karen Huntsman at the event last night. I was so impressed. She talked about our Heavenly Father and what he wants for his children. We were introduced to a young survivor that had to have her leg amputated. She was so full of life and was very happy.

After the dinner, there was a survivor's dance. They gave all of the survivors a nice pin. Michelle and I were able to dance together to an Elvis classic. I'm so glad I have her! We attended the event with several people from E*TRADE. I also brought my parents and Seth and Julie. At one point, they asked who was a survivor of cancer. I was so impressed that there were so many people there that were survivors. I have to thank my E*TRADE team as well. I was told that they cheered when we raised our hands.

I loved what Karen Huntsman said at one point in the night. She said (and I'm paraphrasing) that those individuals that have survived cancer have changed for the good and the world is a better place because of them. It reminded me of a quote that I recently read. It says, "I won't let cancer define me but I will allow it to refine me". What a great quote. When I think of refining, I think of gold and purity. That little girl was pure gold. I hope I can become like that and never forget what I've gone through.

For now, I am just so grateful to the Huntsmans and the wonderful advancements in cancer treatment that they have supported. I also know of many other philanthropic efforts of the Huntsmans and I hope that we can all be like them. We may not have the resources that they do, but we can all do our part.

I DON'T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS

I love days like today that really put things into perspective for me. I mentioned in my last post that I was going to be attending an event today for HopeKids. What a great organization! We arrived a little late to Thanksgiving Point. E*TRADE and eBay hosted an event in the Museum of Ancient History. We had lunch provided by Chik-Fil-A and they also had a Star Wars garrison present for pictures. There were approximately 400 people that attended the event. The kids had a blast. As I spoke with some of the families, I was so touched by their strong spirits and will.

HopeKids puts on periodic events for children with cancer and other life threatening illnesses. One of the Dads came up to me and some of our volunteers to thank us for the event. His 1 1/2 year old son recently finished treatment for Leukemia. Another family was there with their son that had a rare form of Muscular Dystrophy. Unless something changes soon, he will not live much longer. I knew his Mom from a previous employer. I told her how brave I thought she was and that her son was doing so well. She confided in me that it hasn't always been that way. She knows she is going to lose her son at a very young age. My heart broke!

I stopped to visit another family whose son was obviously going through chemotherapy. I can't tell you what kind of cancer he is battling but his Mom mentioned that one of the drugs was doxyrubicin (the red devil). I told the boy that I just finished chemo and that I had the same drug. He suddenly became interested in what I had to say. We had something in common. I told him that he must be a tough kid because he was handling the chemo so well. He is 12 and I can tell that he is a fighter.

Michelle became enamored with a cute little girl that must be in remission. Her Mom had dressed her up cute and she had short curly hair. Attached is a picture of her.

This was the highlight for the kids. They got to play in the water and sand and find different things. It was fun to see the smiles on their faces as they got to be kids and forget about these "challenges" that face them.

I'm so glad that my friend Rebecca called me to be part of this event. I told the Executive Director that I want to partner with them again. We can't do enough to help these wonderful families. My whole E*TRADE team kept telling me how great this event was and how grateful they were that they had the opportunity to participate. If any of you are interested in this great organization and what they do, please visit their website www.hopekids.org for more info.

It is so easy to get caught up in our own problems and sometimes even feel sorry for ourselves. I don't feel that way today. My heart goes out to all of those families that were at Thanksgiving Point today and any other families that are going through similar challenges. I really don't have any problems! I've attached a few other pictures of the kids and some of the volunteers (including some bad pictures of me). :)

There's an App for that!

I was reading my favorite lymphoma support group website and I saw a discussion regarding cancer apps. I never realized that there were so many apps for the iPhone, iPad, iTouch, etc... It reminded me of my experience the other day. I was trying to sync my iPhone to our computer so I could get some of my music. I suddenly realized that I was getting a bunch of "Apps" that my family has bought or downloaded. After everything loaded, I decided to go through them all and delete anything that I didn't want. I was slowly working my way through Nick's video games and Michelle's books and gospel references when I found it. The mysterious "App". It looked like a girls "App" as it had some sort of flower on it. It was a daisy...I think. I was curious so I decided to click on it to see if I had any use for it. I definitely had no use for this thing. It wanted me to put in the start date of my last cycle (or something along those lines). The name should have given it away, but I'm not always that perceptive. This mysterious "App" was called the P-Tracker. Uggh!!! I deleted it immediately.

I asked Michelle about it and it wasn't her "App". Then I realized it was my daughter's. I asked her about it at a family dinner. I don't think she was too happy with me. I'm pretty sure she won't be happy with me posting this right now. Ahh...the small joys in life.

I'll change the subject now, so I don't get into any more trouble. I posted a picture on Facebook yesterday. It is a picture of me with hair again. It is slowly growing back and it is getting some color. There is still a lot of gray, especially on the sides but I like having hair again. Michelle tells me that I need to get it cut again, just to clean it up. The gray hairs seem to grow faster than the regular hairs and so it starts to look messy. I don't know if it will be curly or straight. My cousin had to change the side of his head that he parted his hair when his hair grew back. I can't wait to see what it looks like.

This Saturday, I will be going to Thanksgiving Point with Michelle and several people from work. My company is partnering with eBay for a local charity, HopeKids. They put on special events for families of children that are terminally ill or very sick. I'm looking forward to helping out. I'm sure it will be a neat experience but possibly a tough one as well. My friend Rebecca, from my mission, is spearheading it from eBay. She runs all of their charitable giving operations for Salt Lake City. I'm hoping that this will be the start of a good partnership with eBay. Many people confuse eBay and E*TRADE. Kind of nice that we get to work together on this good cause.

On Friday, the 19th, we will be going to a charity dinner for the Huntsman Cancer Institute. We have 16 people going from work (8 employees and their guests). I also invited my cousin Seth and his wife. I've previously mentioned Seth, he battled Hodgkins Lymphoma 10 years ago. He has been such a big support and I'm glad that they will be able to go.

I've attached a copy of the picture that I posted on Facebook. I swear the runways are a little further up my head than they used to be...oh well. I have hair!

Wind in my hair...part two

I've been thinking quite a bit about the wind in my hair. I don't know what it is but as my hair grows back, I feel like less of a cancer patient/survivor. Don't get me wrong, I still think about it but it is less obvious to others. People have been so great to me but you get to a point where you want people to treat you like everyone else.

As I've thought about the wind in my hair, I've also thought about wind in general. This is a little deep for me, but hear me out. I once heard an inspirational thought by Winston Churchill that goes something like this..."The stronger the wind, the higher the kite flies". I suppose I could have looked it up, but it is the general idea that I like. Sometimes the harder trials bring us the most growth, and dare I say it, the most joy. I've said it several times, even though this has been one of the toughest trials in my life, I don't know if I would change a thing. My only regret is that my family had to suffer and worry about me.

I also thought about a sailboat. It is possible for a sailboat to get from one side of a lake to the other when facing headwinds. The way to do that is to go back and forth diagonally, using the wind to your advantage. That is similar to my cancer experience. We continue to move forward even though we run into issues and we will get to the other side.

My friend at work told me that her Dad had a kidney stone the other day and while they were investigating the issue, they discovered some enlarged lymph nodes. She came in to work today and told me that he has Follicual Non-hodgkins Lymphoma. It was an opportunity for me to share some of this knowledge that I've unfortunately gained. I told her that I was happy to speak to her Dad, if he wants to speak about it. I hate that anyone has to learn that they have cancer. I know what it feels like. Unlike most people, I didn't have a melt down for days but it still caught up with me. I wish the best for Melissa's Dad!

Wind in My Hair and Labs

The title to this post doesn't make much sense but it was a cool day today. It was raining and I stepped outside to watch the storm that was rolling in. The wind picked up and I had a realization that made me very happy...the wind was blowing through my hair. I have enough hair for the wind to blow through. My hair is growing more and more each day. It is dark in some parts and light in others (I still say the light part is gray but others are telling me that it is blonde). I'm currently trying to decide if I want to keep my hair really short. I have to admit that I have enjoyed the low maintenance hairstyle. I just wish I didn't have to shave my face. I really enjoyed that aspect of Chemo.

I've been feeling great recently. Michelle and I have been walking and it has been awesome. I went in for labs today and I think I had some good news. One of the tests that they ran was the sedimentation rate. This test measures how fast your red blood cells settle in a test tube. The last time I had it tested was on 2/2/2011. At that point in time, my reading was 99. A normal reading is 0-15. Today, the reading was 4. I've learned that high readings can be caused by certain autoimmune diseases and cancers (such as Lymphoma). That makes me very happy! I have a low reading. It doesn't mean that I'm out of the woods, but it is a good sign.

For now, I just have to enjoy the perceived good news and let the wind blow through my hair. :)

Update

I wanted to provide a quick update on the health front. I'm feeling great! I am getting my strength back. I still wouldn't want to run a 5k but I'm walking quite a bit. Last night, Michelle and I went for a long walk. It was great. I'm starting to look like my old self again. My hair is coming back in. I have mixed feelings about the hair. I look better with hair but the maintenance of no hair is so nice. My next appointment with my Oncologist is on July 28th. I don't expect to hear much on that day unless my blood labs look bad. The scan will be at the end of August. I am doing everything I can to remain positive and optimistic but I have to admit that there is always an element of fear in the back of my mind.

That is enough cancer talk for today. I had a funny memory today (at least it is funny to me). It is the time that I used the scriptures to ward off crazy animals. I was on my mission in Thailand and I visited a city that is up country from Bangkok. I believe I was the only foreigner in the city and we went to the town center where a bunch of monkeys reside. We went in and all of the sudden, a bunch of monkeys came up to me. I thought it was kind of cool at first. I was trying to feed them. Out of the blue, they started climbing all over me and became very aggressive. This is where the scriptures came in. I had to use my scripture bag to beat the monkeys away from me. I knocked a couple of them away and they hissed at me. I got out of there as quickly as possible.

For whatever reason, different types of apes do not like me. My first month in Thailand, my companion and I were walking down the road and a Gibbon jumped out of the tree and smacked me on the head. It didn't hurt but it scared me to death. My companion was Thai and he was unscathed. I like to think that the monkeys were jealous of me (good looking, blonde hair, taller than most people they saw), but I really think that they were posturing because they thought I was a monkey...maybe they were right.

Me attempting to feed a monkey.

My hair is growing back, and it isn't all gray. :)

Howard Jones

I'm sorry I haven't posted sooner. I've been trying to stay busy and not think about the possibility of additional treatments. I mowed the lawn yesterday. It wore me out but I've got to start building my stamina. Michelle and I had a wonderful weekend. The kids went to Price to visit with their Aunt Stephanie and Uncle Scott. We went to the Howard Jones concert on Saturday night. We only had general admission seating and our spot wasn't the best but I still enjoyed the concert. You see...on May 22, 1987, Michelle and I had our first date. We went to the Howard Jones One to One concert. That concert was at Park West and was a wonderful night. Michelle reminded me that I kissed her on that first date. That was not my style, but I had known Michelle for quite some time before we ever went out. She also reminded me that she kissed me on our second first date (several years later).

Michelle and I have been to many Howard Jones concerts. We were counting last night and I have seen him 9 times and Michelle has seen him 8 times. We love his music but it is as much about nostalgia as it is about the music. I tried to take a video but it didn't turn out. Suffice it to say that it was everything that I hoped it would be. Howard made a few mistakes but it was easy to forgive him as he was playing songs that he had never played live before.

I had a pretty good week at work! I was really sick on Wednesday. I thought I had food poisoning but it turned out to be a 24 hour stomach bug. My family has been passing it around since. I'm just glad that I'm not in the middle of chemo right now or it could have turned into something worse.

I met our future neighbors today. I was at the church in the clerk's office and a nice couple came and asked if I could help them. They were looking for the right ward to attend. I asked them where they were moving to and they said that they were moving into the Wheatland Estates. I asked the address and realized that they were moving in across the street from us. So happy to have some nice neighbors moving in. We were talking a little and I found out that she had (and beat) esophigal cancer. It is amazing to me that this awful disease touches so many people. Don't get me wrong, I know that there are lots of other diseases that also impact lots of lives. I don't mean to diminish the impact of those diseases. Cancer is just at the top of mind for me and my family right now.

Big week this week. We have visitors at work. We are holding an interview session for a new hire class. I have tickets for an advanced screening of Harry Potter on Thursday. Looking forward to the end of the week (which is a bad place to be at the beginning of the week). I am trying to pass the time without going crazy. Michelle and I are also planning on dinner with Stew and Suzi this week. I've mentioned Stew in past blogs. He has been a big help as he has undergone almost the same treatments for very similar issues. I visisted with him after I found out that we may still not be out of the woods. I am still praying for remission but I have to prepare myself in the event that we do need to go to the next step.

As far as an update... I'm still not 100% but I'm feeling so much better. My hair is coming back in. I will post a picture in a week or so. It can't decide what color it is going to be. The sides are gray but I have dark hair coming in as well. I don't mind the gray. I'm just happy it is coming back. I hope I will be able to keep it and not have to go through more treatments. As always, thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I still know that I will be cured! Just may take a little longer than we originally planned.

Near Remission????

I went to the Intermountain Medical Center on Tuesday to have my blood drawn for labs. On Wednesday, I went in for my PET scan. Michelle and I got up early (not early enough). I found out late that we were supposed to be there 30 minutes prior to our appointment. We rushed to the hospital and they quickly called me back. A PET scan is similar to a CT scan but takes a lot more time. They had me drink two cups of the Crystal Light mixed with iodine. The tech then put an IV in me to inject the radioactive sugar into my system. I had to then wait for 45 minutes while the radioactive sugar spread through my organs. After that long wait, I finally went into the room for the scan. I laid down on the machine and the tech told me I couldn't move for 30 minutes (this is harder than you think). The machine quickly scanned me and then moved back and started to scan me in 5 or 6 sections (each about 5 minutes). It was so hard to be still. My arms fell asleep as they were positioned above my head, I got a cramp in my leg. Not a fun experience. It eventually ended and then Michelle went to the Women's Center for a mammogram. We aren't taking any chances with our health. After she was done, we went home.

At home, I was looking online and found my results. As I mentioned on facebook, most of it looked good to my untrained comprehension but there was one thing that bothered me. The last couple of sentences said:

"Hypermetabolic is noted along the mesenteric root where adenopathy persists. This is concerning for continued involvement of lymphoma."

I'm not a doctor but I knew what that meant. It ruined my night. I'm really grateful for the advent of technology to allow us the ability to check these things online but in some ways it might be better to not know. I had to impatiently wait until today to understand exactly where we are at.

We went to see Dr. Legant today. We brought a present for her. It was an oriental fan, it was an inside joke about other careers that she could have. She loved it. I then admitted to her that I already looked at the results and that they were concerning. She went through the exam first and then we began discussing the results. It all looks pretty good, my spleen is back to normal and the majority of the lymph nodes are back to normal. The problem is that I had two lymph nodes that still light up with hypermetabolic activity. Those two lymph nodes are slightly larger than normal (1.5 cm vs. 1.0 cm). They also have a SUV (Standard uptake value of 5.6 and 4.3). That number was up in the 10 - 12 range originally so it looks better but it is concerning that it is still higher than normal.

So where does that leave us? She is recommending that we watch and wait at this point. I will go back in for an appointment on July 28th. We are planning on a CT scan in two months to see if the lymph nodes have increased/decreased in size. If we see any activity, we will be looking at harvesting stem cells and then going through a quick but powerful chemo regimen. Once they kill off my immune system, they will then transplant my own stem cells to build back my immune system. This is a very scary procedure. My good friend has gone through it and he did fine but it is not without risks.

I really hope we don't have to go through that, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I'm not done fighting. We can use all the prayers that we can get. I'm very hopeful that those two lymph nodes will continue to shrink and we will be declared in remission. I hope this doesn't sound like a negative post. I allowed myself to be upset on Wednesday and I've been good ever since. Even today, when we met with Dr. Legant. I'm ready for whatever is thrown at us. I think Michelle is too. She is awesome!

Platinum Lining

We've all heard the phrase..."Every cloud has a silver lining." I'm pretty much a believer in that concept. My Dad used to always tell me that some of our darkest days come before our biggest blessings. I can tell you that I absolutely believe that as well.

So here are my silver linings of being a survivor of Non Hodkins Lymphoma (you will notice that I didn't use the C word).

• Michelle and I are closer than ever. She has been my rock throughout this experience and I'm so grateful for her.



• I want to spend more time with my family. I was limited in what I could do and now I want to do those things that I couldn't do.



• I cherish every day that I have with my loved ones. I know they won't be here forever but I'm so grateful for the opportunity that I've had to associate with them.



• Friendships have blossomed. So many people have helped our family. We have reconnected with old friends and new friendships have developed.



• I have a greater appreciation for prayer. I've said it before but we've felt the prayers and we know that we have received strength beyond our own.



• I appreciate having good health. I think we all take this for granted at times. I'm still not 100% and probably won't be for a long time but I'm so happy that I'm feeling better every day.

There are probably 100 other things that I could talk about. As I've thought about it, I would change the name to Platinum Lining. I don't know why we had this challenge in our lives. I do know that it will continue to bless me in the future and hopefully other people as well.

This is a big week for us. I have blood labs on Tuesday, my PET scan on Wednesday, and I meet with Dr. Legant on Friday. I'm confident that she is going to tell us that I'm in remission. I can then officially say that I'm a cancer survivor. I'm so excited! I have to admit that I'm also a little nervous. There is a chance that it isn't completely gone, but I'm determined to keep that out of my head. I will post again later this week when I have some of the answers. Wish us luck!

Fathers' Day vs. Father's Day

You will know, from reading my blog, that I'm not perfect when it comes to grammar. I just read something online that made a lot of sense to me. When this holiday was first proposed, it was a day for all Fathers. Therefore it should be Fathers' Day. But somewhere along the way, it was changed to Father's Day, a day for Father. I'm okay with the change. I think it is important to honor our individual Dads.

I'm grateful for my Dad and the example that he set for me and my brothers. I received a phone call last night from my Bishop, asking me to speak about my Dad today. I shared a few stories with the congregation about my Dad. I thought it might be nice to share some of those stories here.

My Dad made the gospel easy for me to understand as a child. I remember him teaching me and my classmates about the translation of the Book of Mormon. He used a Stereoscope and had cards that he had written on. Looking at them without the stereoscope made no sense. But when you put it in the stereoscope, a message came alive. I know that is not how Joseph translated the Book of Mormon but it suddenly made sense to me.

My Dad taught me to serve. I remember working side by side with him on many occasions. When the church still requested members to donate to the budget, our ward would stuff newspapers with advertisements to earn money for the ward budget. It was a great opportunity to serve and reduce the burden on the members of the ward. We spent many hours standing on our feet and working to help earn funds for the budget. I remember it being pretty grueling work but I remember working with my Dad and that is why I was there.

He taught me how to honor the priesthood. Not long before I turned 19, I received the Melchezidek Priesthood. My first opportunity to use the priesthood was when our good friend was missing. He and some other members of the ward flew to New Mexico in a small private plane for a business venture. This gentleman was one of my favorite people and his wife asked my Dad and me to give her a blessing. My Dad offered to give the blessing. When he was giving her the blessing, I had such an overwhelming sense of the spirit. I mistakenly thought that meant that everything would be okay. I waited for my Dad to say that he was going to be fine but the blessing was more of a blessing of comfort for his wife. When we left, I remember talking to my Dad about the blessing and he told me that he thought he didn't have a good feeling. Unfortunately, all of the men on the plane died in an awful crash. I was feeling the spirit but I now believe that it was the spirit confirming what my Dad was saying. I'm so glad he was a worthy priesthood holder and was prepared for that tough assignment.

Finally, he gave me a blessing right before I started chemotherapy. In that blessing, he shared with me that I would be able to withstand the effects of chemotherapy and that I would be cured. From everything that I read, I have had an amazing experience with my chemo treatments. Don't get me wrong...it is tough, but it was much better than I ever imagined it would be. I realize that this didn't come from my Dad. He was the voice, acting on behalf of God. I'm so grateful for him.


I also love who my Dad...the person. I received calls from him almost every day while I was sick. He has become more than my Dad...he is my friend. He is funny (although I know Mom was feeding him a lot of the lines along the way), he is smart, he is kind, and most of all, he taught me how to be a good husband and Father. I love you Dad!


Changing gears for a moment...I'm feeling better this week. I'm still tired but I don't feel sick. I'm starting to get some hair. I don't know if it will stay but it gives me hope. I will post a picture soon. I will have to post another picture of me as well. Since I became sick, I have been drinking more fluids and I usually have to wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. The other day I went in the bathroom and with the lights off, I looked at myself and was shocked to see Uncle Fester from the Addam's Family in the mirror. I've lost my eyebrows and without my glasses, I look like Uncle Fester. :) I really don't mind. I feel good and know I will get back to my old self someday. Besides, if you can't laugh at yourself, you are taking yourself way too seriously. Happy Fathers' Day everyone (or Father's Day). :)

Book Ideas and Other Thoughts

In my last post, I mentioned that I wanted to take time to put some thoughts into chapter headings for my future book. These aren't neccessarily in the order that I will arrange them but it gives you an idea of what I'm thinking. You will also notice that some of them are similar to previous posts. They are as follows:

Life Before the Challenge
The Cough That Saved My Life
Allowing Myself To Have a Bad Day
Family and Friends
The Power of Faith and Prayer
Positive Attitude and Healing
Laughter is the Best Medicine
Allowing Others to Help
What is Normal?
Treatment...Killing the Good With the Bad
Side Effects
The Challenge Does Not Define Me (thanks to Seth for the inspiration on this one)
Recovery
Life After the Challenge

What I envision are short chapters (4 or 5 pages per chapter). I will try to keep it light-hearted yet informative. It will be about my experiences but I plan on using other stories as well. It all sounds good in my head but I know I have a tough job ahead of me, especially since I've never done anything like this before. I'm going to rely heavily upon Michelle as well. She was always a better writer than me and I often use her to help me edit things that I write.

Speaking of Michelle, we went in for lab work on Friday. We were assigned to a small room with 2 chemo chairs and there was a lady getting some lab work done as well. Michelle felt like the room was too small and excused herself out to the waiting room. When my nurse, Saima, came in, the first thing she asked me was "Where is your side kick?". They know Michelle very well as she has been there every step of the way. I am so lucky to have her. I have so many supporters but none greater than her!

I'm realizing that I am still in the recovery stage. I tried to go to work on Thursday and ended up leaving after only 4 hours. It was too early. This final treatment has knocked me a bit lower than the other treatments. I went to my parents on Saturday for the Herriman parade (it comes right next to their house). Every year we put out chairs to reserve spots along the park strip. This year, I took my tent over to my parents house for the boy cousins to sleep in Friday night. The parade was great and it seems to be getting larger each year. After the parade, I grabbed a couple of chairs and took them to the back yard. My brother Steve and I also took down the tent. He carried the heavy part of the tent to my car and I grabbed the poles and a few sleeping bags. I had to stop 3 times on the way to the car. I was exhausted and I didn't do anything for the rest of the day. I was very frustrated that I couldn't do what I wanted and have since decided that I need to take my time.

Have you ever watched the "Pop-up Videos" on VH1? I feel like my life in the last 5 or 6 months have been like a pop-up video. Of course, it is my own doing and as I've mentioned so many times before, it is therapeutic for me. Thanks again for all of your support. I couldn't have made it this far without all of you.

Goodbye Prednisone

Today, I am officially done with chemo drugs. I took my last 5 prednisone pills this morning. I'm so glad to be done with prednisone. It will take a few days to get out of my system but I do not have to swallow those pills anymore. I am just not myself when I'm on prednisone.

I'm looking forward to feeling better. I usually feel better by Thursday or Friday after chemo. I'm excited to know that I will continue to feel better. I don't know if/when I will ever feel 100% but I won't have to feel like this again.

I'm excited to play with my kids again! I have fun with them but I haven't felt like I can jump on the trampoline or do anything too aggressive. I'm excited to grow my hair back. I've finally come to the realization that I don't look bad as a bald guy but I love my hair.

I can't wait to get my PICC line removed. I want to go swimming or take a long shower without a bag on my arm.

Holding hands with Michelle. My left hand suffers from neuropathy and is constantly numb. My right hand has carpal tunnel syndrome and it goes numb a lot as well. The neuropathy may take some time to go away but I am hopeful.

I can't wait to be 100% engaged at work. I've tried to stay engaged but it is so hard when I've been in and out of the office. I love my job and the people that I work with.

Most of all, I'm just going to love getting back to normal life. Doing what I want, when I want. Thanks again everyone!

Whac-A-Mole

I can now say that I'm done with chemo (with the exception of the prednisone which I will take for 4 more days). On the way out of the cancer center, we ran into Aunt Terry who was receiving radiation. We were so excited to see her. We talked a lot and took some pictures that I will share in a moment. She said something funny but it was so perfect. She said that she felt like she was in the game "Whac-A-Mole. They beat you down with Chemo and just as you are starting to feel good again...Whack! Back down in the hole to start the process over again. We love you Aunt Terry! So glad that you are feeling better and so appreciative of the example that you set for us!

The chemo infusion went pretty well. I had an upset stomach before I went in today and I believed it to be nerves. As I've mentioned before, I have a love/hate relationship with these drugs. Part of me was so excited to go and get my last infusion, the other part of me was dreading the side effects. Michelle brought Rumbi for me to eat. I used to love the lunches that they would bring to me but I've found that the very thought of the sandwiches makes me ill. I know it is an association with the chemo because the lunch is very good. I just don't think I will ever be able to eat another one.

I slept for a large part of the chemo today. We had our favorite room that has a reclining chair for Michelle. Michelle was once again...AWESOME! I am so lucky to have such a wonderful supporter! Not to mention all of you that follow this blog. Every day, I still receive phone calls, emails, and have people come up to me and tell me that they are thinking/praying for me. They also tell me that I'm looking good. If you ever want to cheer up a cancer patient, or anyone for that matter, tell them that they look good.

After the chemo, I asked to have the nurses come back to my room so we could take some pictures. They are listed below:

Some of the nursing staff in the cancer center. Two of our favorites are Saima (to my left) and Maygan (in the orange). The nurse that is kneeling is Phyllis, she took care of me today and she is really funny and we shared stories about our kids. She had a daughter that graduated on Wednesday as well and her youngest daughter is Sydney's age.

You all know who this is...my hero! Michelle's Aunt Terry took this picture for us. Did I mention that it was so good to see her today! Speaking of her, the next two pictures are with Aunt Terry. I'm so glad that I got to share this experience with her. She was a real inspiration to me. She told me early on, when you are feeling sick and miserable, just remember that it is working.

"Bald is Beautiful"

"Striking a pose with the backs of our heads"

All in all, I have to say that today was a good day. I'm waiting for the nausea to kick in. The prednisone will bother me for several days but from this point on, no more chemo for me. I'm happy, appreciative, healthy, getting chubby again (gotta work on that one), and I have the most amazing family and friends.

One last request for those of you that dare to reply to this post. What one thing are you going to do for yourself this week? I am going to get rid of any fear that I've previously had of cancer. I'm going to thank my Heavenly Father for the wonderful blessings that I received during this challenge. I'm going to start putting my thoughts together for my book. I know that is more than one thing, but I'm going to play the cancer card and write three things. I would love to hear what you all are going to do. Hopefully you will all be whacking your own moles and making your life better!

I love you all and I intend to continue writing. I have to wait about a month and then we will have a PET Scan which is where they inject radioactive die into my veins and then take a scan to see if any hot spots pop up on the screen. I feel like it is going to be clean but we won't know for sure until we get there.

Graduation and labs

Today was Makenzie's graduation. We woke up early so we could arrive and take pictures of our graduate and her friends. We were fortunate to see some good friends and reconnect with a few of them. The commencement exercise went very well, I am so impressed with the Principal at Copper Hills. He gave a great speech and really got choked up as he spoke about the students. They had a chair that was draped with a cap and gown in honor of a student that was killed in a car crash this past year. He had enough credits to graduate and his little sister was able to walk and receive his diploma in his honor. It was very touching. Sydney asked Michelle if we were crying. I have to admit that I was fighting the tears. I was also very proud of Makenzie. She is such a good daughter. She wants to do what is right and is such a responsible young woman.

After the graduation, we took everyone to lunch. At Makenzie's request, we went to Chili's. We had a total of 10 people including our little family, both sets of grandparents and Justin. We had a great time.

We went home and I had to close my eyes for a few minutes. I was wiped out. I couldn't rest for long though as I had to go to the IMC for labs. While there, I spoke with Maygan, our favorite CNA and my nurse was my favorite nurse Joann. She is an older lady and I found out today that she has been through breast cancer twice. No wonder she is such an amazing nurse. We talked a lot about attitude and how it is hard to be healed when you are in a negative frame of mind. She made me promise that I would come back and visit after I am better and my hair grows back.

I can't believe that in two days, I will be done with chemotherapy. I am so happy to be done but I have to admit that I will find it strange to fill the void that will be left by not having so many appointments. These wonderful people at the IMC have become friends. They are so supportive and I would highly recommend this cancer center to anyone. Don't get me wrong...I will find other things to do and I'm looking forward to feeling better.

I meet with Dr. Legant tomorrow, we are taking an opaque fan to her as she said that she thought she would be a good fan dancer. I hope she laughs, she has a really good sense of humor. I'm also going to tell her that I saw a letter from her this week. We were having a charity meeting at work. I oversee a charity budget of $150k for 501(c)3 charities. One of the charities had a letter of recommendation from Dr. Legant. Needless to say, we will be donating to them. My Dad will be joining us tomorrow as well. He wants to meet Dr. Legant and thank her. She really is a wonderful Doctor and I'm so grateful that we stumbled upon her.

Finally, some good friends of ours came over tonight to give Makenzie a graduation present. Janae works for Mrs. Fields and she made a special Copper Hills cookie. This cookie is about a 14 inch cookie and is so delicious. We had a chance to catch up a bit. I'm so grateful for the friendship of the Gardners. I'm also grateful for so many wonderful friends, awesome family members, and the best wife.

Thanks everyone! I plan on updating the blog again on Friday. Hopefully, I will have some pictures of some of our favorite people at the IMC Cancer Center. Even though it will make me sick...I can't wait for my last treatment!

Quick Post

This will be very short post but I wanted to share a couple of pictures with you. The first one was taken many years ago when my cousin Seth was battling Hodgkins Lymphoma (Hodgkins Disease). The picture is of my cousin Seth, his daughter Laura, his son Ben, my son Nick, and me. The second picture is with the same people and also includes 3 new additions, Seth's son Matt, his daughter Abby, and my daughter Sydney. When I got sick and found out that I had Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, Seth brought a copy of the original picture to me and we decided that we should take another one. I'll write more later...final chemo in 6 days. Can't wait!!!!

The Final Countdown

I wasn't really a big fan of the band "Europe" but lately, I can't get this song out of my head. I don't even know most of the words but I know the main chorus. In 9 days, I will receive my last chemotherapy treatment. I have to admit, I'm not going to miss these wonderful drugs (especially the prednisone and doxyrubicin). Don't get me wrong, I have a love/hate relationship with these drugs. I know they are making me better but I really don't like the side effects.

It has been a pretty eventful week. It started with me going to work on Monday. I love going to work. I wasn't able to spend the entire day as I had to go to the IMC for labs. Our favorite CNA, named Maygan, said that she heard the story about Michelle and me and how we got together. We told our nurse Saima on Friday and she loved it so much that she is telling the rest of the nurses. I thought it was kind of nice, but we clearly spend too much time there. The good news is that my blood counts are remaining fairly consistent (which is good). My red blood count is 4.8 and my white blood count is 5.3 These numbers are within normal ranges. I'm especially happy for the WBC, as long as it is above 2.7-3.0, I stay pretty healthy and my Oncologist is happy.

Yesterday, we went to the Riverton Hospital. The doctors were testing blood, running various tests and spent several hours observing. It isn't what you might think though...they were running tests on our daughter Makenzie. She started having pain in her side again. We thought it was her appendix as she had all of the classic symptoms. The ER doc asked if we wanted to run the CT scan because they just weren't sure. We didn't want to go home without knowing what was going on. Her appendix is fine, she doesn't have a kidney stone (although I believe that she did). They are calling it Mesenteric Adinitis, which in plain English means inflamed lymph nodes. When we got home, I looked it up online and it said that it presents itself with the same symptoms as appendicitis. Poor kid...she has had a rough few days but she seems to be perking up now.

Today, was a great day. It started with us going to Nick's school. It was one of those proud parent moments. Nick was nominated and selected to be the Falcon of the quarter for the 9th grade. We've known for about a week and we managed to keep it a secret from him. He was surprised and looked somewhat embarrassed. They fed us breakfast and gave Nick a packet that included a letter from us and from each one of his teachers. It was so nice to hear all of the positive things his teachers said about him.

After the recognition program, I had to race to work to jump on a call with a reporter from the Salt Lake Tribune We recently signed a new 10 year lease and they want to write a feel good story about the company and this huge committment to the Salt Lake area. The interview went without a hitch and they will be coming in the office tomorrow to take some photos of me. I told him I was okay with that but he should know that I have a shiny head right now. I wanted him to know that I'm undergoing cancer treatment and I don't look as good as I normally would. The article is slated to print some time next week. I hope it turns out as well as I think it will.

Finally, on a more spiritual note, I was set apart as the High Priest Group Secretary on Sunday. It is the first time this year that I've attended all of my meetings. The High Priest Group Leader, who is also my good friend that recently went to Israel and prayed for me in Gethsemene, gave me the blessing. In this blessing, he got choked up and then gave me confirmation that I would be healed. It was very similar to the blessing that my Dad gave me. It was a neat confirmation and the spirit was so strong. I've been telling people that in a wierd way, I am grateful for this challenge. I found the following quote from Orson F. Whitney:

"No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire."

We've said it many times, everything is sweeter. I've learned a lot about myself, my family and so many of you. It has been a wonderful journey and we are in "The Final Countdown".

Rapture & Other Events This Week

Okay...I'm going to plead ignorance to this whole rapture event. Up until this week, I thought rapture was a bad "Blondie" song about a martian eating someone and then eating cars and bars. In some ways, rapture tomorrow might be nice (assuming I'm one of the 200 million that is selected). I could skip my last chemo treatment (sweet!), I wouldn't have to pay off my debts, I hear heaven is a great place, and I wouldn't be subjected to any more chick flicks (sorry sweetie). :) Obviously, I don't believe that rapture will occur tomorrow, I guess the joke will be on me if it does.

So on a more serious note, this week did have some noteworthy events. I went to work for a couple of days this week. I don't normally go the first week after chemo but we had visitors in town. My boss (the VP of Customer Service), his boss (SVP of Retail Sales and Service), the President of the company, and the Chief Executive Officer). We had a town hall with most of the employees where the CEO presented the state of the company and talked about a few things coming up in the near term. On Wednesday morning, I went to the theater to make sure everything was ready for the meeting. The CEO arrived and I went up to him and reintroduced myself (I didn't think he would recognize me without my hair). He knew it was me and was very happy to see me there. I don't think they expected me to come. The other executives arrived and they were equally excited to see me there. I have to say it again, I love working for my company. They care about people and that has been even more evident to me lately.

After the presentation, the CEO held a Q&A session for the employees. I was very impressed with the questions that were presented. I usually expect something from out of the blue but everyone was on their best behavior. At the end of the Q&A session, the CEO said "I'm really happy to see Jim here with us." That received a lot of applause and I tried to graciously thank him for the mention. All the while, I'm trying to keep my emotions in check. I had several people come up to me afterwards and say that it choked them up as well. I don't tell this story to brag nor do I think I deserved the recognition, it was just so humbling. I know many of my co-workers follow this blog and I'm thankful for all of you.

Those two days wore me out. I actually felt worse later in the week. On Thursday morning, I awoke to my daughter Makenzie complaining about pain in her side. We ended up going to the Instacare later and found out that she inherited kidney stones from me. Poor kid was in a lot of pain but I'm happy to say that she is doing better now. She has been addressing envelopes this week for her graduation announcements. I can't believe that she is going to be graduating in less than two weeks. She graduates on June 1st and my final chemo treatment is June 3rd. I'm glad that I will be feeling my best when she graduates.

Switching gears again...this week I decided that I want to write a book. I think I'm going to call it "Melvin and Me". I want to take my blog one step further and hopefully be a helpful guide for cancer patients. I want to keep it light and positive but talk about the realities of cancer and chemotherapy and how to cope with those realities. I really don't care if if does well, I hope it can just help someone. Keep me honest here, I hope you will all ask me how it is coming so I will continue and make it happen.

Well, another week gone. I will write again soon unless a martian comes and eats me and goes out eating cars. Wait...wrong rapture. Thanks everyone!

Friday the 13th

Who scheduled my chemotherapy? April Fool's Day & Friday the 13th? Oh well, they both went well. I won't spend much time on the chemo today. I slept for a few hours during the infusion and felt a little nauseaous but overall it went very smooth. There were two things that kept waking me up, the arm-cuff to take my blood pressure went off every 30 minutes. The other noise was a 95 year old man that kept waking up and every time he would ask where he was. He seemed like a cute old guy. The nurse asked his birthday and he said 1916, so she had to coach him a bit. All in all it was a good day.

My Mother in law came to our house to get Sydney off to school. My Father in law went on a campout with Nick tonight, it was supposed to be Fathers and Sons, but Nick's Dad couldn't make it for obvious reasons. I'm grateful for our parents. My parents have done so much for us and Michelle's parents have done a lot as well!

Now for the fun part of the blog. I met with my Oncologist yesterday. She said, "You probably want some news". I had to confess that Iwent online and read the transcript but that I couldn't wait to hear it from her in plain English. I knew the results were good as the tumor shrunk from the size of a soft ball to the size of a golf ball. Well...as she began interpreting the medical speak, the news got even better. The lymph nodes have improved significantly and Melvin the tumor is essentially dead. I think I already have to rename him (the tumor formerly known as Melvin). She was so happy for us. She told us a number of times that she was tickled for us. One more chemo and then we will do a PET Scan (a Positron Emission Tomography). The test involves injecting a small radioactive chemical into my vein. The chemical is then absorbed by the organs and tissues and they are able to essentially see "hot spots". It takes about 30 minutes to be scanned but it is so detailed. They can view the insides of my body in small slices to get a better picture of what is going on.

Now if I may take a moment...I don't usually do this but I should! Dr. Legant is probably my favorite doctor ever. She has a sense of humor (I'll get to that in a minute). She doesn't try to sugarcoat everything. She gives you all of the possible outcomes and then tells you that we are shooting for the best scenario. I've heard some people don't like her because she is direct but I like that. She isn't going to tell me what I want to hear. If any of you ever come across someone that has cancer, feel free to refer them to her. She is so well liked and recognized in the industry and we love her. She is helping me get better.

Now I'll probably get into trouble for this but the last time that I met with her, I was talking to her and I told her that I needed more Lorazapam (the drug that helps with nausea and also gives me a little amnesia when it comes to Chemotherapy). She thought that she had just refilled it and I explained that she actually refilled the Zofran for me. She shrugged her shoulders and told me "Ehh, what ever you want. I always thought I would be a good drug mama." Now just to be clear, she was joking with me as she knows me well and knows that I wouldn't abuse any drugs. She then went on to say that her other career of choice would be a fan dancer. She said she would use opaque fans so she could peek through every once in a while. She is hilarious. I think we are going to try to find her some fans for my next visit.

Not feeling too sick yet. Just waiting for it to hit. Only one more treatment! I can't wait. Some good neighbors brought us dinner tonight. Homemade baked zitti. Wow!!! It was so good. Thanks Thackers! I hope all of you are doing well! I'm so grateful for good doctors and modern medicine.

Mother's Day and the CT Scan

Sunday was Mother's Day and it was a good one. I was able to visit with my Mom and Michelle's Mom. They are great women and I'm grateful to them. I'm also grateful for my sweet wife. I always knew that she would be a great Mom and I was right. I think she had a great day as well. I ended up buying her an ipad2. She loves it and so do the kids...they may have played with it more than Michelle. For all of the wonderful Mothers out there, I hope you had a wonderful day.

I had a CT scan yesterday. We arrived at the IMC (Intermountain Medical Center) and waited to be checked in. They gave us a pager, it was similar to the ones that you get at restaurants. When it buzzed, we went to the registrars desk and she confirmed my information and then told us to "have a seat". We waited and we noticed that everyone was getting called back before us. I then remembered that the last time I had a scan, I had to drink a bunch of crystal light mixed with iodine (it is terrible). I went back to the registrar and asked her about it and she forgot to give it to me. So I spent the next hour drinking this stuff every 20 minutes. The good news was that I had the ipad to play with while I waited (Michelle went down to the cafeteria).

They finally called me back and I had to change into a gown and pajama pants. They were very warm as they just came out of the dryer. I waited a few more minutes and they called me back. They were excited to know that I had a PICC line. I think they hate poking people almost as much as we hate being poked. They connected to the PICC line, took a picture and then added the contrast and took more pictures.

After they were done, I asked the tech if they could see the pictures. He said "yes, but couldn't let me see them". They had to be sent to the radiology department. I think the real reason he couldn't show me was because there were 4 or 5 people waiting for a CT scan and they needed to move quickly. I was okay with that though, because I knew I would be able to log into IHC's "My Health" and see the reading once radiology finished with it.

I watched all night long to see if they added the scan results. They didn't post them. I woke up this morning and kept checking all morning long. Finally, at 12:30 pm, they posted the scan results. I'm happy to say that the results appear to be good news. I'm not a doctor and I don't play one on TV but even with my limited knowledge in this field, it appears to be good news. The following is a verbatim from the reading:

1. The large splenic lesion is significantly decreased in sizenow measures 4.1 cm in maximal diameter. It had measured 10.5 cmon the prior exam.
2. There is significant improvement in the mesenteric andretroperitoneal adenopathy with mild infiltration in the regionof the adenopathy seen on that prior exam.

Many of you are probably wondering what that means. The tumor in my spleen (which I'm now calling Melvin) has shrunk from approximately 4 inches down to 1 1/2 inches. I don't quite understand the second bullet but I like the first four words..."There is significant improvement". So Melvin is shrinking and I think the lymph nodes are doing really well also. What can I say? How about "Woohoo!!!!"? I've always known that the chemo was working but I'm so glad to see it in writing. I can't wait to speak to my Oncologyst on Thursday. I'm even a little excited for Chemotherapy this Friday. I know that it is doing the job that it is supposed to do and it is more than likely my second to last treatment.

We have been blessed! Thanks for your support everyone!!! You've made it easy to stay positive and handle this challenge/Melvin so well.

Adversity and How We Handle It

Have you ever thought about your experiences in life and how they help you cope with advesity? I have thought a lot about that lately. People often tell me how surprised they are that I remain so positive. I often say that I have my bad days but I choose to make most days the best that I can. I'm going to reveal some things about myself, I think most of you know that I'm an open book but some of these experiences could be embarrassing (I'm smiling as I write).

Let me begin with my early childhood. I was a chubby little toehead. I was always one of the smallest kids in my school classes but I was happy. One day my parents caught me hugging myself. I was raised to have self esteem and I told my parents that I was so happy and that I loved being me (or something like that). I was always well liked...I only had one altercation in my entire childhood and one of my best friends stepped in and fought for me. He and the other guy got suspended and I walked free. :)

I was elected as the 5th grade Vice President. My first experience in leadership. I remember going up against a very popular kid in our grade. I didn't care...I knew I was going to win. I've always had a positive attitude and I've always felt like I would win in everything.

In high school, I tried out for Madrigals as a sophomore. Sophomores didn't make it usually but my friend Troy and I both made it. I had a lot of fun in high school. I did have a failure though. I tried out for the freshman basketball team and didn't make it (did I mention I was short?). I wasn't too disappointed though, I was a star on my ward basketball team (grin).

During the summers I worked for the Salt Lake County Water Conservancy District on the grounds crew. I was chosen to be a foreman of the crew. At age 17, I was supervising several individuals, including a gentleman more than twice my age. I remember feeling so awkward about directing him. I learned some great lessons that summer.

Another wonderful experience for me was my LDS mission to Bangkok, Thailand. I spent 8 weeks in Provo, Utah learning the Thai language. When I landed in Bangkok, I thought they had taught me the wrong language. I was assigned to an area in Bangkok called Thonburi. It was a dirty, smelly place that flooded every night when the tide came in. I wanted to go home. I remained and spent the next two years developing wonderful relationships and teaching the gospel of Jesus Christ.

I've previously mentioned my relationship with my beautiful wife, Michelle. When we were engaged, she was still sealed to her ex-husband. We decided that we would get married for time and get sealed a year later. She ended up getting a sealing cancellation more quickly than everyone expected and we were able to married in the temple for time and all eternity. Another wonderful blessing for this guy.

In my twenties, I had my dream job and lost it. My world came crashing down. I didn't realize it at the time but that was the best thing that ever happened to me. I might still be there and I wouldn't have had the opportunities that I've had with my current company.

Some of my most valuable lessons have come from being a husband and father. Talk about adversity. The heartaches and blessings that come from being a dad.

Today, I am grateful for all of these things. They have molded me into the person that I am. I make no apologies for who I am. I'm grateful to wonderful parents that helped me become the person that I am today. You know from my last post that I'm grateful for my sweetheart. I'm grateful to my children. Finally, I'm grateful for so many wonderful friends throughout my entire life. Without all of these people, I wouldn't be able to handle the trials that have been placed in my way. If you are reading this...you are one of those people!!!

My Sweetheart...My Best Friend

Okay...if you aren't up for reading a sappy post, stop reading immediately. This round of chemo has been different than the other rounds. It started out better on day 1 and 2 but has been worse this week. I have had problems with nausea and sleeping. It has been a rough week for Michelle too. So often, the cancer patient gets all of the attention and the significant other gets ignored. Not to mention, that they are now carrying twice the responsibility.

Now to the sappy part. I am so lucky to be married to such a wonderful woman. I met Michelle Marks in my junior year. We were sitting in our seminary class and Brother Haws asked if anyone knew everyone in the class. Michelle raised her hand and when she got to me, I saw the look of horror in her eyes. She didn't know me. We became great friends and I loved tease her. In May of the following year (our senior year), Michelle and I went on our first date. I came home that night and told my Dad that she was the girl that I wanted to marry. I always admired her. She was the type of person that I wanted to be around and I was very attracted to her (hence the name of my blog). :)

Throughout the years (19 and counting), we have become even closer, which I didn't think was possible. 12 years ago, I was in a very serious automobile accident that left me with two broken arms. As you can imagine, I couldn't do anything for myself. She was so great and we grew so close to one another. 12 years later, we are now fighting this battle and once again...she is amazing. I have so many people supporting me but no one can imagine what this wonderful woman has done for me. I am so lucky! I am in such debt to her and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life paying her back. I think it will start with a much needed vacation to Hawaii next year.

I'm not going to apologize for gushing about my sweetheart. She is my best friend and I'm so grateful for her. I hope you all get to know her better. She is awesome!

Chemo #4 of 6, Silly Shirt Day, and the Red Devil

Just had my 4th chemo treatment today. I can't believe that I'm 2/3

of the way finished. Since I've been going in to work, the time is flying a lot faster for me. Let me tell you about the week...




Wednesday, I went to work and had blood labs in the afternoon. I had two of my favorite nurses help me (Joanne and Saima). We had a nice time with them and laughed a lot.




Thursday, I had my appointment with my Oncologist. It was also crazy shirt day at work. I recently purchased a shirt that states "I pay my Oncologist big bucks for this hair style". I included a picture but it is kind of hard to see. When I got to the Dr. Office, the nurse, Sharon, took one look and busted up laughing. They usually make me take my shirt off to check my lymph nodes, but she had me keep it on so Dr. Legant could see it. When she came in, she absolutely loved it. They took a picture so she could hang it on her wall of fame. After the apppointment, I went to work and my co-workers loved it as well. I think it was good for them to see that I have a sense of humor about this whole thing. I get the feeling that they tread really lightly when it comes to me and my cancer. A sense of humor is key to my healing process.




I had my first opportunity to give back on Thursday as well. I went to register Makenzie's new car (a 2000 VW Beetle). When they called my number, I went to the counter and the girl that helped me loved my shirt as well. She asked me where I got it and proceeded to tell me that her Dad was just diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. She was worried and I was able to help her by telling her about my experience and that this is one of the most treatable cancers. She seemed genuinely appreciative of our conversation. It was one of the nicest experiences I have ever had at the DMV.




Michelle and I went to see a movie last night. It was okay. We saw "The Adjustment Bureau". Fun movie but not the greatest. We came home and she had a headache, which turned in to a migraine at 3:00 am. She wasn't able to go to chemo with me today. I called my Dad to see if he could take me. He did, so we were talking about all of the chemo drugs since he didn't have the experience before. I attached a picture of the Doxirubicin (also known as the "Red Devil"). Seems appropriate that they are infusing something called Red Devil into me. :) It is the drug that makes me lose hair and can cause mouth sores. I dislike this one the most but it is in most chemo treatments that I have seen. We finished even faster today (5 hours).


I don't feel sick yet but I'm sure that I will soon (most likely tomorrow). Despite all of the side effects, I am grateful for this modern medicine that continues to help me heal. We are going to beat this thing! I say we, because you are all a part of this experience for me. Many of you have invested time and energy in helping me and my family.


I can't believe that we are over the hump. We have 6 weeks until my final chemo treatment. I know it will be here before I know it. Dr. Legant ordered a CT Scan for May 9th. From what I've read, the tumor should be mostly gone by now. I can't wait to see it on the screen. I know it is working but it will be great to confirm. Thanks again for all of the support!