Platinum Lining

We've all heard the phrase..."Every cloud has a silver lining." I'm pretty much a believer in that concept. My Dad used to always tell me that some of our darkest days come before our biggest blessings. I can tell you that I absolutely believe that as well.

So here are my silver linings of being a survivor of Non Hodkins Lymphoma (you will notice that I didn't use the C word).

• Michelle and I are closer than ever. She has been my rock throughout this experience and I'm so grateful for her.



• I want to spend more time with my family. I was limited in what I could do and now I want to do those things that I couldn't do.



• I cherish every day that I have with my loved ones. I know they won't be here forever but I'm so grateful for the opportunity that I've had to associate with them.



• Friendships have blossomed. So many people have helped our family. We have reconnected with old friends and new friendships have developed.



• I have a greater appreciation for prayer. I've said it before but we've felt the prayers and we know that we have received strength beyond our own.



• I appreciate having good health. I think we all take this for granted at times. I'm still not 100% and probably won't be for a long time but I'm so happy that I'm feeling better every day.

There are probably 100 other things that I could talk about. As I've thought about it, I would change the name to Platinum Lining. I don't know why we had this challenge in our lives. I do know that it will continue to bless me in the future and hopefully other people as well.

This is a big week for us. I have blood labs on Tuesday, my PET scan on Wednesday, and I meet with Dr. Legant on Friday. I'm confident that she is going to tell us that I'm in remission. I can then officially say that I'm a cancer survivor. I'm so excited! I have to admit that I'm also a little nervous. There is a chance that it isn't completely gone, but I'm determined to keep that out of my head. I will post again later this week when I have some of the answers. Wish us luck!

Fathers' Day vs. Father's Day

You will know, from reading my blog, that I'm not perfect when it comes to grammar. I just read something online that made a lot of sense to me. When this holiday was first proposed, it was a day for all Fathers. Therefore it should be Fathers' Day. But somewhere along the way, it was changed to Father's Day, a day for Father. I'm okay with the change. I think it is important to honor our individual Dads.

I'm grateful for my Dad and the example that he set for me and my brothers. I received a phone call last night from my Bishop, asking me to speak about my Dad today. I shared a few stories with the congregation about my Dad. I thought it might be nice to share some of those stories here.

My Dad made the gospel easy for me to understand as a child. I remember him teaching me and my classmates about the translation of the Book of Mormon. He used a Stereoscope and had cards that he had written on. Looking at them without the stereoscope made no sense. But when you put it in the stereoscope, a message came alive. I know that is not how Joseph translated the Book of Mormon but it suddenly made sense to me.

My Dad taught me to serve. I remember working side by side with him on many occasions. When the church still requested members to donate to the budget, our ward would stuff newspapers with advertisements to earn money for the ward budget. It was a great opportunity to serve and reduce the burden on the members of the ward. We spent many hours standing on our feet and working to help earn funds for the budget. I remember it being pretty grueling work but I remember working with my Dad and that is why I was there.

He taught me how to honor the priesthood. Not long before I turned 19, I received the Melchezidek Priesthood. My first opportunity to use the priesthood was when our good friend was missing. He and some other members of the ward flew to New Mexico in a small private plane for a business venture. This gentleman was one of my favorite people and his wife asked my Dad and me to give her a blessing. My Dad offered to give the blessing. When he was giving her the blessing, I had such an overwhelming sense of the spirit. I mistakenly thought that meant that everything would be okay. I waited for my Dad to say that he was going to be fine but the blessing was more of a blessing of comfort for his wife. When we left, I remember talking to my Dad about the blessing and he told me that he thought he didn't have a good feeling. Unfortunately, all of the men on the plane died in an awful crash. I was feeling the spirit but I now believe that it was the spirit confirming what my Dad was saying. I'm so glad he was a worthy priesthood holder and was prepared for that tough assignment.

Finally, he gave me a blessing right before I started chemotherapy. In that blessing, he shared with me that I would be able to withstand the effects of chemotherapy and that I would be cured. From everything that I read, I have had an amazing experience with my chemo treatments. Don't get me wrong...it is tough, but it was much better than I ever imagined it would be. I realize that this didn't come from my Dad. He was the voice, acting on behalf of God. I'm so grateful for him.


I also love who my Dad...the person. I received calls from him almost every day while I was sick. He has become more than my Dad...he is my friend. He is funny (although I know Mom was feeding him a lot of the lines along the way), he is smart, he is kind, and most of all, he taught me how to be a good husband and Father. I love you Dad!


Changing gears for a moment...I'm feeling better this week. I'm still tired but I don't feel sick. I'm starting to get some hair. I don't know if it will stay but it gives me hope. I will post a picture soon. I will have to post another picture of me as well. Since I became sick, I have been drinking more fluids and I usually have to wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. The other day I went in the bathroom and with the lights off, I looked at myself and was shocked to see Uncle Fester from the Addam's Family in the mirror. I've lost my eyebrows and without my glasses, I look like Uncle Fester. :) I really don't mind. I feel good and know I will get back to my old self someday. Besides, if you can't laugh at yourself, you are taking yourself way too seriously. Happy Fathers' Day everyone (or Father's Day). :)

Book Ideas and Other Thoughts

In my last post, I mentioned that I wanted to take time to put some thoughts into chapter headings for my future book. These aren't neccessarily in the order that I will arrange them but it gives you an idea of what I'm thinking. You will also notice that some of them are similar to previous posts. They are as follows:

Life Before the Challenge
The Cough That Saved My Life
Allowing Myself To Have a Bad Day
Family and Friends
The Power of Faith and Prayer
Positive Attitude and Healing
Laughter is the Best Medicine
Allowing Others to Help
What is Normal?
Treatment...Killing the Good With the Bad
Side Effects
The Challenge Does Not Define Me (thanks to Seth for the inspiration on this one)
Recovery
Life After the Challenge

What I envision are short chapters (4 or 5 pages per chapter). I will try to keep it light-hearted yet informative. It will be about my experiences but I plan on using other stories as well. It all sounds good in my head but I know I have a tough job ahead of me, especially since I've never done anything like this before. I'm going to rely heavily upon Michelle as well. She was always a better writer than me and I often use her to help me edit things that I write.

Speaking of Michelle, we went in for lab work on Friday. We were assigned to a small room with 2 chemo chairs and there was a lady getting some lab work done as well. Michelle felt like the room was too small and excused herself out to the waiting room. When my nurse, Saima, came in, the first thing she asked me was "Where is your side kick?". They know Michelle very well as she has been there every step of the way. I am so lucky to have her. I have so many supporters but none greater than her!

I'm realizing that I am still in the recovery stage. I tried to go to work on Thursday and ended up leaving after only 4 hours. It was too early. This final treatment has knocked me a bit lower than the other treatments. I went to my parents on Saturday for the Herriman parade (it comes right next to their house). Every year we put out chairs to reserve spots along the park strip. This year, I took my tent over to my parents house for the boy cousins to sleep in Friday night. The parade was great and it seems to be getting larger each year. After the parade, I grabbed a couple of chairs and took them to the back yard. My brother Steve and I also took down the tent. He carried the heavy part of the tent to my car and I grabbed the poles and a few sleeping bags. I had to stop 3 times on the way to the car. I was exhausted and I didn't do anything for the rest of the day. I was very frustrated that I couldn't do what I wanted and have since decided that I need to take my time.

Have you ever watched the "Pop-up Videos" on VH1? I feel like my life in the last 5 or 6 months have been like a pop-up video. Of course, it is my own doing and as I've mentioned so many times before, it is therapeutic for me. Thanks again for all of your support. I couldn't have made it this far without all of you.

Goodbye Prednisone

Today, I am officially done with chemo drugs. I took my last 5 prednisone pills this morning. I'm so glad to be done with prednisone. It will take a few days to get out of my system but I do not have to swallow those pills anymore. I am just not myself when I'm on prednisone.

I'm looking forward to feeling better. I usually feel better by Thursday or Friday after chemo. I'm excited to know that I will continue to feel better. I don't know if/when I will ever feel 100% but I won't have to feel like this again.

I'm excited to play with my kids again! I have fun with them but I haven't felt like I can jump on the trampoline or do anything too aggressive. I'm excited to grow my hair back. I've finally come to the realization that I don't look bad as a bald guy but I love my hair.

I can't wait to get my PICC line removed. I want to go swimming or take a long shower without a bag on my arm.

Holding hands with Michelle. My left hand suffers from neuropathy and is constantly numb. My right hand has carpal tunnel syndrome and it goes numb a lot as well. The neuropathy may take some time to go away but I am hopeful.

I can't wait to be 100% engaged at work. I've tried to stay engaged but it is so hard when I've been in and out of the office. I love my job and the people that I work with.

Most of all, I'm just going to love getting back to normal life. Doing what I want, when I want. Thanks again everyone!

Whac-A-Mole

I can now say that I'm done with chemo (with the exception of the prednisone which I will take for 4 more days). On the way out of the cancer center, we ran into Aunt Terry who was receiving radiation. We were so excited to see her. We talked a lot and took some pictures that I will share in a moment. She said something funny but it was so perfect. She said that she felt like she was in the game "Whac-A-Mole. They beat you down with Chemo and just as you are starting to feel good again...Whack! Back down in the hole to start the process over again. We love you Aunt Terry! So glad that you are feeling better and so appreciative of the example that you set for us!

The chemo infusion went pretty well. I had an upset stomach before I went in today and I believed it to be nerves. As I've mentioned before, I have a love/hate relationship with these drugs. Part of me was so excited to go and get my last infusion, the other part of me was dreading the side effects. Michelle brought Rumbi for me to eat. I used to love the lunches that they would bring to me but I've found that the very thought of the sandwiches makes me ill. I know it is an association with the chemo because the lunch is very good. I just don't think I will ever be able to eat another one.

I slept for a large part of the chemo today. We had our favorite room that has a reclining chair for Michelle. Michelle was once again...AWESOME! I am so lucky to have such a wonderful supporter! Not to mention all of you that follow this blog. Every day, I still receive phone calls, emails, and have people come up to me and tell me that they are thinking/praying for me. They also tell me that I'm looking good. If you ever want to cheer up a cancer patient, or anyone for that matter, tell them that they look good.

After the chemo, I asked to have the nurses come back to my room so we could take some pictures. They are listed below:

Some of the nursing staff in the cancer center. Two of our favorites are Saima (to my left) and Maygan (in the orange). The nurse that is kneeling is Phyllis, she took care of me today and she is really funny and we shared stories about our kids. She had a daughter that graduated on Wednesday as well and her youngest daughter is Sydney's age.

You all know who this is...my hero! Michelle's Aunt Terry took this picture for us. Did I mention that it was so good to see her today! Speaking of her, the next two pictures are with Aunt Terry. I'm so glad that I got to share this experience with her. She was a real inspiration to me. She told me early on, when you are feeling sick and miserable, just remember that it is working.

"Bald is Beautiful"

"Striking a pose with the backs of our heads"

All in all, I have to say that today was a good day. I'm waiting for the nausea to kick in. The prednisone will bother me for several days but from this point on, no more chemo for me. I'm happy, appreciative, healthy, getting chubby again (gotta work on that one), and I have the most amazing family and friends.

One last request for those of you that dare to reply to this post. What one thing are you going to do for yourself this week? I am going to get rid of any fear that I've previously had of cancer. I'm going to thank my Heavenly Father for the wonderful blessings that I received during this challenge. I'm going to start putting my thoughts together for my book. I know that is more than one thing, but I'm going to play the cancer card and write three things. I would love to hear what you all are going to do. Hopefully you will all be whacking your own moles and making your life better!

I love you all and I intend to continue writing. I have to wait about a month and then we will have a PET Scan which is where they inject radioactive die into my veins and then take a scan to see if any hot spots pop up on the screen. I feel like it is going to be clean but we won't know for sure until we get there.

Graduation and labs

Today was Makenzie's graduation. We woke up early so we could arrive and take pictures of our graduate and her friends. We were fortunate to see some good friends and reconnect with a few of them. The commencement exercise went very well, I am so impressed with the Principal at Copper Hills. He gave a great speech and really got choked up as he spoke about the students. They had a chair that was draped with a cap and gown in honor of a student that was killed in a car crash this past year. He had enough credits to graduate and his little sister was able to walk and receive his diploma in his honor. It was very touching. Sydney asked Michelle if we were crying. I have to admit that I was fighting the tears. I was also very proud of Makenzie. She is such a good daughter. She wants to do what is right and is such a responsible young woman.

After the graduation, we took everyone to lunch. At Makenzie's request, we went to Chili's. We had a total of 10 people including our little family, both sets of grandparents and Justin. We had a great time.

We went home and I had to close my eyes for a few minutes. I was wiped out. I couldn't rest for long though as I had to go to the IMC for labs. While there, I spoke with Maygan, our favorite CNA and my nurse was my favorite nurse Joann. She is an older lady and I found out today that she has been through breast cancer twice. No wonder she is such an amazing nurse. We talked a lot about attitude and how it is hard to be healed when you are in a negative frame of mind. She made me promise that I would come back and visit after I am better and my hair grows back.

I can't believe that in two days, I will be done with chemotherapy. I am so happy to be done but I have to admit that I will find it strange to fill the void that will be left by not having so many appointments. These wonderful people at the IMC have become friends. They are so supportive and I would highly recommend this cancer center to anyone. Don't get me wrong...I will find other things to do and I'm looking forward to feeling better.

I meet with Dr. Legant tomorrow, we are taking an opaque fan to her as she said that she thought she would be a good fan dancer. I hope she laughs, she has a really good sense of humor. I'm also going to tell her that I saw a letter from her this week. We were having a charity meeting at work. I oversee a charity budget of $150k for 501(c)3 charities. One of the charities had a letter of recommendation from Dr. Legant. Needless to say, we will be donating to them. My Dad will be joining us tomorrow as well. He wants to meet Dr. Legant and thank her. She really is a wonderful Doctor and I'm so grateful that we stumbled upon her.

Finally, some good friends of ours came over tonight to give Makenzie a graduation present. Janae works for Mrs. Fields and she made a special Copper Hills cookie. This cookie is about a 14 inch cookie and is so delicious. We had a chance to catch up a bit. I'm so grateful for the friendship of the Gardners. I'm also grateful for so many wonderful friends, awesome family members, and the best wife.

Thanks everyone! I plan on updating the blog again on Friday. Hopefully, I will have some pictures of some of our favorite people at the IMC Cancer Center. Even though it will make me sick...I can't wait for my last treatment!